A Place Called B.L.O.G.

Will the last person to leave the blog please turn out the lights

2008-12-31T09:30:00.006-06:00

You probably saw this coming. This blog just hasn't been the same for a few months now, and despite attempts to jolt life back into it, I don't think it's going to happen.

So, today, Dec. 31, 2008, will be the last day of A Place Called B.L.O.G.

(Isn't it dramatic when I put a big important statement in its own paragraph like that? I learned that trick in journalism school.)

This blog has been a fun diversion for me since I started it in 2004. I've written some stuff I think is pretty good, other stuff I'd rather not read again, and a lot of pointless random things that amused me and (sometimes) my core group of loyal readers. Those four years were a time in my life when I felt like I needed this outlet. I had a lot of new energy and a desire to play around with words, share my thoughts with anybody interested in listening, and devote some of my free time to creating something that I found engaging. When I write or edit professionally, I have usually had to be deadly serious about most things, but this was a place for me to let my hair down, so to speak.

But I think that period is over. I've gotten a lot of that stuff out of my system, and when ideas occur to me nowadays, they seem amusing but more often than not they also seem like they've been done before. And in contrast to a good chunk of that 2004-2008 time, I don't have the free time to sit at a computer and develop my ideas. In the past, I tried to have something on the blog every day, and sometimes more than once a day, but lately that's not practical. I guess you might say I got a life. A lot of those posts from the olden days started out as germs of an idea that I sat down and messed with until it became something I felt like publishing. That's not something that's a high priority for me anymore.

This is the part where I say I've appreciated hearing from those of you who've enjoyed my blog. It's been a good way to make and strengthen connections with people, and I'll always be grateful for that. When I'd post something, it was always fun to see that somebody had posted a comment, or to have one of you comment to me about something I'd written. There were never more than a handful of comments on any particular post, but that's OK with me. For a while this was a sleepy little corner of the Internet where me and a few others had a few laughs, made a few memories, and learned long-lasting life lessons, which is important because they don't make after-school specials anymore.

I'm planning on starting a new family blog that I'll post on occasionally, so those of you who want to keep in touch can check in once in a while and see what we're up to. It seems like that kind of blogging is a better fit with where I'm at right now, and I'm looking forward to it.

One last thing: Strangely, one of the things I enjoyed most about this blog, even though I never had any evidence that my audience enjoyed it, was what I referred to as "pretending to be a critic." One of the good things about having a blog is that you don't have to work for the Village Voice or Rolling Stone or some shit in order to share your opinions about things like music and movies. It's the Internet age, and any jackass can share his opinion if he chooses. So, one last time, I'm going to be that jackass. I am going to share with you my final list, the list of my favorite music that came out in 2008 (so far, since I haven't heard all I want to hear yet, and some stuff will require more listens to really peg down). CHECK IT OUT:

1. Why?, "Alopecia"
2. Deerhunter, "Microcastle/Weird Era Cont."
3. No Age, "Nouns"
4. TV On The Radio, "Dear Science"
5. Titus Andronicus, "The Airing of Grievances"
6. Women, self-titled
7. Santogold, self-titled
8. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!"
9. Fleet Foxes, self-titled
10. Marnie Stern, "This is It and I am It ..."
11. The Ruby Suns, "Sea Lion"
12. Ponytail, "Ice Cream Spiritual"
13. Jay Reatard: "Matador Singles '08"
14. The Walkmen, "You & Me"
15. Portishead, "Third"
16. Thao & The Get Down Stay Down, "We Brave Bee Stings and All"
17. Gang Gang Dance, "St. Dymphna"
18. Crystal Antlers, "Crystal Antlers EP"
19. Beck, "Modern Guilt"
20. The Breeders, "Mountain Battles"

And so, thus ends the age of A Place Called B.L.O.G. See ya!

Advice

2008-12-19T06:00:00.001-06:00

(Note: This is the final installment in my week-long "A Place Called B.L.O.G. Classic" series.)

Look to me for advice
(5/19/06)

Isn’t it flattering when people want your advice? I think it is. It means somebody thinks your opinion is worthwhile.

Being able to give good advice really is all about a few key qualities. One is having lots of varied experiences. Another is being the kind of person who pays attention, notices things, remembers them, and makes connections about cause and effect. Also, it helps if you are not dumb.

It’s good to know people who you think you can trust and whose opinion you value. I have found it to be very helpful. And I wish to return the favor. Therefore, I would like to make it known to you, my dear friends, that I am available for all your advice-getting needs. Sometimes people are not sure if they can approach a certain person for advice, but in this case, I want there to be no doubt that I am open to such requests.

Just to get the ball rolling, here is some unsolicited advice from me to you.

* If you don’t already do it, CHECK THE POCKETS OF PANTS BEFORE YOU WASH THEM. I don’t normally resort to capital letters like that, but I need to impress upon you just how important this is. Crayons, in particular, can cause problems when tumbled around in a dryer for an hour or so. I’ve also heard that lipstick, candy, pens and such things can be a bear. Especially crayons, though.
* Get some sleep. Sleep is good. I love sleep. Everybody should get plenty of sleep.
* Do not allow anybody to bring crayons into your house. In fact, keep them at least 100 yards away from your house at all times. Especially the laundry room.
* Don’t drink soda pop. It has sugar or caffeine or whatever, which is nice in a way, but really, it just makes you feel miserable in the end. Drink water instead. It’s delicious and refreshing.
* The brake is the one on the left.
* It is a wise idea to write your U.S. Senators and Representatives and ask for laws banning the manufacture or use of crayons on American soil. This menace must be stopped!
* Don’t forget to look at the big picture. I saw a big picture once, at a museum. It was really cool. I think you should go and look at it.
* Seriously, though, look at the big picture. Getting too engrossed in the details or the momentary setbacks makes you blind to reality. So, don’t do that.
* Finally, don’t mess with Jack Bauer. It’s just not worth it. He will make you pay. Maybe not this hour, maybe not in four hours, maybe not in 12 hours. But sometime in the following 24 hours, you will pay and pay dearly.

Tattoos

2008-12-18T06:00:00.002-06:00

(Note: This is the fourth in my week-long "A Place Called B.L.O.G. Classic" series.)

Ink me
5/21/06

Sometimes, people say to me, "Do you have any tattoos?" And since I don’t have any, I’ll say, "Yes, and maybe you’ll get to see them someday if you’re lucky."

OK. I don’t really say that. That would be misleading. And also kind of a weird thing to say to people. Come to think of it, that’s a really dumb thing to say for several reasons. But the point is, when you were reading that sentence, you weren’t expecting that, were you? No, you weren’t. I’m unpredictable that way. You just never know what I’m going to write next.

(aardvark)

See? I did it again! I wrote "aardvark" for no particular reason at all. There is no way you could have seen that coming! Ha!

Anyway, on to the point of today’s blog entry: Tattoos. It is true that I have no tattoos. I have struggled with the question of whether I’m a tattoo-having kind of guy. There are certain circumstances under which there is a measure of credibility attached to getting a tattoo. Being drunk in Mexico is a good one. Also, it’s good if you have some deep spiritual reason or symbolism going on. Being in the Navy is an acceptable reason. It’s also OK to get a tattoo if you belong to a gang of ruffians. Tattoos are very popular among the ruffians of today, I’m told.

But what’s my reason? Just because I feel like it? There’s no credibility there. Getting a tattoo just because you think it’s cool to have a tattoo is a major step down the road to dorkhood. (Of course, using a word like "dorkhood" is also a step down that particular road, but whatever. I’m a dork that way.)

So, I’ve always thought that if I were to get a tattoo someday, it would have to be for a good reason and it would have to have some actual meaning.

Well, I’ve been thinking about it lately. I think I might have an idea for a tattoo that meets my high standards. But I need to figure out what part of the body it belongs on. Here are the candidates I’ve come up with.

Forearm
Pros: Visible. Sensible. Not too weird.
Cons: Visible. Kind of weird.

Butt cheek
Pros: When people ask where I got a tattoo, I’d get to say "on my butt cheek."
Cons: Everything else about it.

Bicep
Pros: Hidden most of the time. Very manly.
Cons: I don’t think I’m that manly.

Back of neck
Pros: I might forget it’s there, and that could be funny. Also, it’s in the center of my body, which would allow me to remain basically symmetrical.
Cons: I think it would hurt. Plus that seems like a place that’s best for a prison tattoo.

Forehead
Pros: Good conversation starter.
Cons: Would probably scare children and the elderly.

Back of shoulder
Pros: Discreet. Kind of elegant.
Cons: Seems slightly girly.

Calf
Pros: My calves are my favorite body part.
Cons: Calves are weird places for tattoos.

Chest
Pros: Seems really cool.
Cons: There would probably be some shaving involved. Also, not sure if I have the kind of chest that can pull it off.

What to do? Suggestions? Anybody?

Gloves

2008-12-17T06:00:00.001-06:00

(Note: This is the third in my week-long "A Place Called B.L.O.G. Classic" series.)

Why I like gloves: A short essay
(2/4/2006)

Gloves keep my hands warm. When I put them on and touch something cold, such as a doorknob or a steering wheel before the car warms up, they serve as a buffer between the coldness of the item and my soft, vulnerable hands. When I shovel snow, they lessen the effect of the cold air that wants to whisk the heat away from my exposed skin. Wearing gloves reduces the necessity of warming my hands by forming them into fists and blowing into them by 63 percent.

Gloves are also an attractive accessory. When paired with a stylish jacket and/or hat, they can be part of a winter ensemble that oozes style and has the ladies swooning and touching themselves and whatnot.

In addition to these practical concerns, gloves are also satisyfing playthings. They can be trotted about individually as if they were turkeys, with the thumb part being the head and the other finger parts being the feathers. “Gobble, gobble,” I say. Or, two gloves can be held together in such a way as to suggest some kind of octopod (the two thumbs combined can be part of the body, leaving the 8 other fingers to serve as the tentacles). Watch out, Captain Nemo! And finally, gloves can be placed over the ears, held on top of the head, or, in extreme cases, slipped over the end of the feet to serve a wide variety of silly-making purposes. Here comes fun!

Finally, in a pinch, gloves can be used to stuff into holes in dikes or dams, cut into cloth strips to be used as tourniquets, or set on fire to provide a source of heat for cooking.

For all these reasons and more, gloves are truly wonderful instruments, and I think every American should own at least one pair, maybe even two or three.

Overheard at my house

2008-12-16T09:40:00.001-06:00

"Those are some cavernous ears."

Muffins

2008-12-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

(Note: This is the second in my week-long "A Place Called B.L.O.G. Classic" series.)

Muffin plan
(10/18/05)

Today I was thinking to myself. I was thinking about what kind of world I want to live in: The kind of world where people give baskets of muffins to neighbors, friends and acquaintances, or the kind of world where they don’t. I decided that I would vastly prefer the muffin-basket world. Who wouldn’t? Think about it: People exhanging baskets of muffins left and right. It’d be paradise. But what to do about it? Well, I’ve always believed that to change the world, you have to start by changing yourself. So I decided that I would bake muffins and give them to people in baskets.

My plan hit a snag, however, when I arrived at Super Target. I quickly found some muffin mix (no, I’m not quite ready to do muffins from scratch yet — I’m starting small), but the baskets were a problem. Where could I find baskets that were A) affordable, B) attractive, C) available in mass quantities, and D) suitable for muffin distribution? Well, it turns out, not at Super Target. The best I could find were just the right size and shape, but they were $7.99 apiece. That will not do. I don’t have that kind of budget for my muffin project. And since I don’t know of any places to buy things other than Super Target, I’m in a tight spot.

So, my plan is now stalled. I must find a source of suitable baskets. I considered shifting my focus and going with plates of muffins, but I don’t think "plate of muffins" sounds as good as "basket of muffins." The basket really seals the deal.

I will be looking around some more to see if I can find the baskets needed to get my plan in motion. I’ll keep you all updated as the project progresses. Or perhaps you’ll just receive a basket of muffins and then you’ll know that I was successful.

Muffin update
(10/25/05)

The mission has been a success so far. Baskets were gotten, Betty Crocker mix was mixed, and light, fluffy muffins were born in the hot hot heat of my oven. They were allowed to cool, removed from their pan, placed in the baskets, and given to people. Then it was all written about in the passive voice on this blog.

It’s exhilariting, really, giving baskets of muffins to people. I quite enjoy it. In fact, even as I type this, the smell of cooling muffins is wafting in from the kitchen — that’s right, I’m so pleased with the muffin project that I’m continuing it indefinitely. I bought 10 baskets and I’ve only used three, which means more muffins will be baked and distributed before this is all over, and now that I have a basket source (Michael’s), I can always go back for more if the world’s hunger for muffin baskets remains unquenched.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me in this muffin endeavor of mine. And keep your eyes open, for you may be the next to receive a muffin basket, if you haven’t already.

And now, a challenge to you. Come up with your own idea for handing out baked goods in some kind of vessel. Perhaps you could prepare bowls of biscuits, boxes of gingerbread, trays of breadsticks, sacks of dinner rolls, or Tupperware containers of blintzes. Then give them out to people who might like them. Together, we will change the world into a place where the exchange of baked goods among friends and acquaintances is commonplace. But don’t do the muffin baskets. That one is mine and I will come and steal your baskets if I find out you’re using my idea.

Good day to you!

Muffin triumph
(11/10/05)

Three weeks ago, I presented to all of you my dream. It was a dream involving muffins — and really, isn’t that the best kind of dream? — but there was more to it than just muffins. There were also baskets. And peace and love. What do you get when you combine peace, love, muffins and baskets? Muffin triumph.

I set out to change the world by giving out baskets of muffins. I decided to start with 10 baskets and a buttload of muffin mix — the “changing the world through muffins” starter kit, if you will. And today, I can report that Phase One is complete. The basket supply has been exhausted. Each of those 10 magical vessels has been transformed into a gesture of neighborliness, kindness, appreciation, or all of the above, and delivered to a human being. A human being who, like all of us, carries some kind of emotional scarring, brokenness, deep-seated pain, guilt, or sadness. These things make it a challenge for us to fulfill our potential for greatness on this Earth. Can something as simple as a basket of muffins help to heal some of these wounds and maybe nudge a person a little farther along the path to wholeness and serenity? Perhaps. Can’t hurt, anyway.

So, the 10 baskets have been exhausted, and many of you reading this are among those who have shared in the muffiny goodness. I’ve gone through 13 packages of chocolate-chip muffins, 6 packages of lemon poppyseed, two packages of “three berry” and one large package of blueberry muffins during my pursuit of this noble goal. I have stirred a grand total of 9 cups of water and one cup of milk into the various mixes and baked them for the approximate cumulative total of 216 minutes. I’ve washed my little muffin pans 23 times using approximately 2/3 of a cup of Ajax Lemon Fresh dish soap.

I hope the muffin project has been as inspiring to you as it has been to me. Even if I have converted just one of you into a disciple of Muffinology (as I call it), I feel like Muffin Quest ‘05 has been a success.

A Place Called B.L.O.G. Classic

2008-12-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

You know how ESPN has a channel called ESPN Classic, where they show old games and stuff? It's pretty brilliant, because they get to have this whole station that they presumably make money on, and all they have to do is rerun old crap instead of coming up with new stuff.

I think I'm going to transfer this business model to A Place Called B.L.O.G. for a week (minus the making money part, of course). I'm going to roll out a week of classic posts from the days of yore, long before some of you were reading.

In fact, I'm going to go back to the days before I was on blogger and I wrote my blog on Friendster. Remember Friendster? It's what they had before there was Facebook. Except it was much crappier.

Here is the first rerun.

Requests for the aliens
(8/17/05)

If aliens deep in outer space have the Internet (and surely they do) and any of them read this blog, I have a few requests:

1) Please bring me some Popsicles. I’m out. I really like them.

2) If you ever come to Earth to attack us, please make sure that your seemingly indestructible motherships have at least one weakness that the few plucky survivors of your onslaught can exploit in order to save our planet.

3) Can you do anything about Uranus? We humans gave it a really bad name, and most of us are pretty embarassed about it. It becomes the butt of juvenile jokes all the time, and really, who needs that? Please blow it up or something. We’re not using it, anyway.

4) Have you discovered how to bring dead organisms back to life? If so, we need you to get to work on half of an Earth group we called "The Beatles." A reunion tour would sell out arenas worldwide and give us something to talk about in an otherwise boring year. And it would really rock.

5) I could really use a high-speed Internet connection. I figure you, who are certainly from an advanced technological society, can give me some kind of secrets about how to steal it from my local cable or Internet provider without getting caught.

6) You have probably figured out a lot about the space-time continuum. I think we Earthlings could really use some of that knowledge. Can you help us out? Mostly, I just want to know why the word "continuum" has two consecutive "u"s in it. I mean, it must be the only word that has that. What’s up with that? Does your alien language have any words with two consecutive "u"s? Oh, shit, I fogot about "vacuum." Well, never mind.

7) Here on Earth, people like to blow each other up and whatnot because they disagree about how other people live their lives, or because they have a different religion or something. Can you let us in on the meaning of life so we can all understand the true nature of the world and all live in harmony? Or, if you don’t know the true meaning of life, can you please take all the fundamentalist bastards from Earth and bring them to your planet? They’re really fucking this place up.

Thanks, aliens. You guys rock.

Christmas songs

2008-12-11T09:19:00.004-06:00

Hey, it's Christmas season! Have you noticed? Some people think that Christmas season officially starts the day after Thanksgiving, or at the start of December, or when they put up their tree or lights, or when Bill O'Reilly starts bitching about the "war on Christmas." But they're all wrong. Christmas season officially starts when major radio stations switch over to all Christmas music, all the time. I don't know what day this occurred in the Twin Cities, but I do know that we've had the Christmas station playing at our house since before Thanksgiving.

I have mixed feelings about Christmas music. On one hand, it's festive, it brings back nice childhood memories, and it's a nice thing the whole family can experience together to add to the holiday atmosphere. On the other hand, most Christmas music is pretty wretched. With the exception of the standards like Bing Crosby, it's mostly a bunch of also-ran musicians doing lame covers of the same tired old songs, which weren't very well written to begin with, and because there are only approximately 12 known Christmas songs, you can't listen to the Christmas stations for more than an hour without being totally sick of all of them.

Today, I'm going to get it out of my system and go all Grinch on you. After several weeks of intermittently listening to 102 and 108 (the two big all-Christmas stations), here is my shit list of most annoying Christmas songs.

Winter Wonderland: Worst-written Christmas song ever. Any song that rhymes "snowman" with "no, man" automatically qualifies for that honor, and the "blue bird/new bird" rhyme seals the deal. (What exactly does "here to stay is a new bird" mean, anyway?) It's also possibly the sappiest of all Christmas songs (which is really saying something) with mindless tripe like "a beautiful sight, we're happy tonight" and "later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire."

Do You Hear What I Hear?: The story is absolutely preposterous. Savior born in cold, desolate desert, bringing joy to the world? Who makes this stuff up? And what does it have to do with Santa Claus? Just a bizarre song. And, seriously, if you hear that a child "shivers in the cold," would you bring him silver and gold? How about a blanket? The kid isn't even going to appreciate precious metals till he's 6 or 7.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Has any song made Santa Claus seem creepier? Hey, kids, Santa is constantly spying on you and is ready to reward or punish you based on you behavior! Reminds me of another story people made up to scare their kids into behaving ...

The Chipmunk Song: They should have stopped playing this thing in about 1982. There is nothing enjoyable about those chipmunk voices. And is it supposed to be funny to hear that rage-a-holic Dave verbally abusing his pet chipmunks?

The Christmas Shoes: Did I say Winter Wonderland was the sappiest Christmas song ever? Well, I forgot about this cliche-filled doozie. Sir, I want to buy my dying mama these special Jesus shoes. Has any song ever been so blatantly engineered to be a tearjerker?

Wonderful Christmas Time: More proof that Paul McCartney should have just stopped when the Beatles broke up.

Charlie Brown theme song: For some reason, the Twin Cities Christmas stations keep playing this song. First off, this is not a good song. Second, why are they playing it at Christmas? Because there is a Charlie Brown Christmas special? There were also Christmas episodes of "Friends," but I don't hear them playing that godawful "I'll Be There For You" song.

Have A Holly Jolly Christmas: OK, Burl Ives is mostly above reproach as Christmas singers go, but what does this song mean? Holly jolly? Mr. Ives, "holly" is not an adjective. It is a noun meaning any of a genus of trees or shrubs whose limbs are often used as Christmas decorations. I cannot have a "holly jolly" Christmas any more than I can have a "mistletoe jolly" or a "wreath jolly" or an "icicle lights jolly" Christmas.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: All this stuff about our troubles being miles away doesn't exactly jibe with a season in which rates of depression go through the roof.

My plan for weathering the bad economy

2008-12-09T11:10:00.000-06:00

Cut back on unneeded products and services, such as haircuts and soap.

Dust off my resume and start passing out copies on the street corner. If somebody doesn't want one, chase after them and stuff it down the back of their coat. That's the kind of attitude that says "model employee."

While waiting for the job offers to start rolling in, search the refrigerator for Jesus-shaped fruits that I might be able to sell on eBay.

Write letters to congresspeople asking them to consider me as part of a badly needed bailout of snack consumers, which I'll pitch as a crucial step to keep the corn-chip industry from collapsing.

Go to the hardware store. Ask if they have any elbow grease, explaining that I've heard it helps people get through hard times. Pick security guard's pocket as I'm being escorted out.

E-mail David Letterman and ask for some money. He's pretty rich, you know.

Save money on weekly grocery purchases by substituting sawdust for flour in all recipes.

Spend a week or two hamming it up as the mascot of a major-party presidential candidate, then sign a book deal and a recording contract 15 seconds before everybody's forgotten (and stopped caring) who I am. Also contact Kmart to see if they need a new spokesperson. Kmart will hire anybody.

Cut expenses by converting home to a geothermal heating and cooling system. In absence of money to install such a system, do the next best thing: Rip out a section of concrete floor in the basement and dig a hole 18 feet down, creating a burrow where I can sleep in comfort all year long.

Snow metaphors

2008-12-08T14:55:00.002-06:00

It’s snowing heavily. This is not really news, because this is Minnesota, a place where it sometimes snows heavily in the winter.

It’s kind of exciting, though, because this looks like it could be the first big snowstorm of the season. Everyone loves the first big snowstorm of the season, except for people who get in car crashes, of course. It's a Minnesota tradition to get worked up about snowstorms.

But there’s a problem: I lack a sufficient metaphor to describe how heavily it is snowing. We have several such metaphors for raining, such as “raining cats and dogs,” “raining buckets,” or simply “pouring.” But you can’t say it snowing cats and dogs. It just doesn't sound right. And there aren't any other good expressions. All you can say is "it's snowing hard," which is really lame and not very fun at all. I guess when it’s snowing hard, people say “it’s like a blizzard out there,” which is actually not a metaphor (or even a simile) because you’re not comparing it to something it’s not, you’re comparing to something it arguably is – a blizzard.

So, I will take it upon myself to come up with some possible metaphors and similes for heavy snow. Here are some contenders:

“It’s snowing otters and walruses.”
“It’s snowing like the aftermath of a deadly explosion at a cotton ball factory.”
“It’s piling up like collection notices in the mailboxes of an affordable housing development.”
“It’s coming down faster than prices during a doorbuster extravaganza at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.”
“It’s coming down faster than the vital signs of that unfortunate employee during a doorbuster extravaganza at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.”
“It’s snowing like your TV image is going to be after the HDTV transition, if you’re still using one of those analog sets with the rabbit ears.”
“The flour sifter in the sky is working overtime today.”
“The sky is as white as a gated community.”
“It’s coming down like executive compensation in the auto industry, if the latest version of the Detroit bailout bill passes.”

They don't roll off the tongue the way I had hoped.

A trip to Gerten's

2008-12-01T14:46:00.006-06:00

Have you ever been to Gerten's? It's a garden store that has turned itself into more than just a garden store. It is a garden store that also has tons of seasonal decor for indoors and out. They also have events to get you to come and buy things. Before Halloween they had this big harvest festival atmosphere going on, and now they are doing rides in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.

We like Gerten's. Sometimes we go just to look at flowers and other plants. It was where we bought our Halloween pumpkins (two of which were complete busts, by the way -- one was rotten inside, and the other was so hard that I had to saw it for a half an hour with a big knife just to access the interior, and by then I was too tired to do anything else with it). And the kids love the seasonal wonderland, with what seems like acres of decorations for whatever holiday is on the way. Kids love decorations. Have you noticed that?

Yesterday we went there for the first time in a few weeks, and naturally it's all about Christmas. They have a huge setup of Department 56 pieces, enough to make your own hopelessly quaint Christmas metropolis, if you're the kind of person who has enough space and disposable income. They have a place where you can buy Christmas lights by the yard. They have nutcrackers and tree ornaments and wreaths bigger than you average Greyhound bus. And they have this strange product, which R pointed out to me:

Real plastic snow? Is that snow made of real plastic? Wow, real plastic! You hardly ever find real plastic anymore, with so many companies using that crappy fake plastic. Or, wait ... is that supposed to mean real snow that's made of plastic? But real snow is made of water crystals! I'm so confused.

A trip to Gerten's can be fun, and sometimes you actually want to buy things, but at the same time it's a place to go and wonder at the amount of money people will apparently spend on tacky home and garden products. Seriously, who are these people with thousands of dollars to blow on elaborate garden gazebos, 12-foot artificial Christmas trees, and godawful lawn adornments, such as this set of fake polar bears?

Seriously, a family of life-sized polar bear figures to put on your lawn? (FYI, they are actually furry. No word on whether they enjoy Coca-Cola.) And here is the price list:

Why would anybody pay $2,000 for a fake polar bear that will be defaced or stolen by the neighborhood hooligans within 24 hours of it showing up in your front yard?

Also, I am interested in knowing what differentiates the male from the female model ...

So, that's a little taste of our trip to Gerten's, complete with crappy cameraphone pictures. And now, just because I can, here is a picture of a cheese-ball-and-fruit plate that I made on Saturday:

Good stuff.

Overheard at my house

2008-11-28T14:19:00.000-06:00

"Charlie Brown is a clueless turd."

How to cook Thanksgiving foods

2008-11-26T21:56:00.002-06:00

Turkey: Buy a turkey. Put it in the oven. Take it out when it's done.

Mashed potatoes: Peel some potatoes. Boil them in water. Smash them up. Serve.

Gravy: Take the gunk from the bottom of the turkey pan. Stir in some corn starch. Heat thoroughly.

Green bean casserole: Put some beans in a pan. Put some cream of mushroom soup in. Buy some of those french-fried onions in can and put them on top. Cook for a while. Serve.

Yams: Buy some yams. Cook. Serve.

Pumpkin pie: Find a pumpkin. Scoop out the guts and discard. Cut it up. Cook it. Put it in a pie crust. Cook. Allow to cool. Cut up. Serve.

Cranberries: Buy some cranberries. Serve.

America's latent racism

2008-11-25T22:17:00.002-06:00

So, sure, you might think that America somewhat redeemed itself after years of racism and discrimination against African Americans when Barack Obama was elected president. There were a lot of people who thought America would never vote for a black man. Obama seemingly proved them wrong. It seemed as if we had entered a new era of race relations.

But when the chips were down, when everything was on the line, when the stakes were truly high, American showed that it was not ready to put its racism totally in the past. Sadly, America is still not a place where a black man can be champion on Dancing With the Stars.

Voting for president is one thing. But when it comes time to vote for something that people really care about, a position of real notoriety and importance, people in this country couldn't bring themselves to support a person of African descent. Warren Sapp was robbed.

I will not rest until the percentage of minorities among America's reality show champions is approximately equal to their percentage of the general population.

Also, I'm pretty sure Lance Bass lost because he's gay.

Free baby carrier

2008-11-25T11:57:00.001-06:00

For those of you who have babies or hope to someday have them: You can win this really sweet baby carrier. Then you can post this contest on your own blog and get an extra entry!

And that's really what this is all about.

The contest is here.

Attention people who walk excruciatingly slowly

2008-11-17T14:52:00.004-06:00

A tip for when you're out and about: When you're walking in an enclosed space, such as a grocery aisle or a store entryway, make sure to go right down the exact middle of the walkway. This will ensure that speedier, able-bodied people won't have enough room to pass you on either side, and they'll have to creep along at your snail-like pace, trying not to seem too annoyed, or risk bowling you over by attempting to dart around you. This is good for hours of fun, and lord knows you don't have anything better to do, because if you did, you'd WALK FASTER.

Unspoken messages in product packaging

2008-11-17T14:43:00.003-06:00

Welcome to another edition of Unspoken Messages in Product Packaging. Today's specimen is the MyDVD Video Lab 10 software, seen at Office Max:

Unspoken message: "Use this software to edit your homemade porn videos."

This has been another edition of Unspoken Messages in Product Packaging.

Generic knockoff product of the day

2008-11-17T14:40:00.003-06:00

Market Pantry's "Chickadees," which by complete coincidence are stocked right next to the Goldfish crackers.

Is it as fun to bite the heads of little baby chicks as it is to bite the heads off grinning fish?

The Palin incident

2008-11-12T16:43:00.002-06:00

There were those of us who were utterly terrified at the prospect of Sarah Palin being anywhere near the Oval Office, and with good reason. She proved from the moment she entered the spotlight that she was ignorant, incurious, devoid of substance and shockingly arrogant. Nobody sums up her farce of a campaign better than Andrew Sullivan (who is a conservative, mind you). My favorite section:

Let's be real in a way the national media seems incapable of: this person should never have been placed on a national ticket in a mature democracy. She was incapable of running a town in Alaska competently. The impulsive, unvetted selection of a total unknown, with no knowledge of or interest in the wider world, as a replacement president remains one of the most disturbing events in modern American history. That the press felt required to maintain a facade of normalcy for two months - and not to declare the whole thing a farce from start to finish - is a sign of their total loss of nerve. That the Palin absurdity should follow the two-term presidency of another individual utterly out of his depth in national government is particularly troubling. 46 percent of Americans voted for the possibility of this blank slate as president because she somehow echoed their own sense of religious or cultural "identity". Until we figure out how this happened, we will not be able to prevent it from happening again. And we have to find a way to prevent this from recurring.

It happened because John McCain is an incompetent and a cynic and reckless beyond measure. To have picked someone he'd only met once before, without any serious vetting procedure, revealed McCain as an utterly unserious character, a man whose devotion to the shallowest form of political gamesmanship trumped concern for his country's or his party's interest. We need a full accounting of the vetting process: who was responsible for this act of political malpractice? How could a veep not be vetted in any serious way? Why was she not asked to withdraw as soon as the facts of her massive ignorance and delusional psyche were revealed?

The Palin nightmare also happened because a tiny faction of political professionals has far too much sway in the GOP and conservative circles. This was Bill Kristol's achievement.
It was a final product of the now-exhausted strategy of fomenting fundamentalist resentment to elect politicians dedicated to the defense of Israel and the extension of American military hegemony in every corner of the globe. Palin was the reductio ad absurdum of this mindset: a mannequin candidate, easily controlled ideologically, deployed to fool and corral the resentful and the frightened, removed from serious scrutiny and sold on propaganda networks like a food product.

This deluded and delusional woman still doesn't understand what happened to her; still has no self-awareness; and has never been forced to accept her obvious limitations. She cannot keep even the most trivial story straight; she repeats untruths with a ferocity and calm that is reserved only to the clinically unhinged; she has the educational level of a high school drop-out; and regards ignorance as some kind of achievement. It is excruciating to watch her - but more excruciating to watch those who feel obliged to defend her.

Attention everyone

2008-11-12T10:43:00.003-06:00

It is not OK to talk on your cell phone while you're taking a dump in a public bathroom. I repeat: It is not OK.

It's weird. It's wrong. It's weird and wrong.

What do you need to talk about that can't wait until you're done in the stall? I'm pretty used to overhearing loud cell-phone conversations by now, since they're common almost everywhere you go, but I thought the public bathroom was one sanctuary we had left. Something about hearing you talk on the cell phone while you're sitting on the john is just unpleasant. And did I mention weird and wrong?

So, if you've ever done this, never do it again. If you've never done it, please don't start. If you are on the toilet and somebody calls you, don't answer it. Instead, finish pinching off your turd, wipe thoroughly, wash your hands, and then go call the person back from someplace OTHER THAN THE FREAKING BATHROOM.

Thank you.

Prizes for selling the most magazines in junior high

2008-11-11T19:34:00.002-06:00

Miniature football
Signed copy of the inspirational best-seller "Hugs, Not Drugs" by T. Randolph Watts
Phone shaped like miniature football
Those shoes where the roller skates pop out of the bottom (wrong size)
Personal visit from teen star Duff Patterson and his agent
"Pranks-N-Hijinks" practical joke kit featuring Whoopee Cushion, can of peanuts with the springy snakes, and fake eviction notice
Falsely inflated sense of self esteem
Set of 12 antibacterial textbook wrappers
Official Hannah Montana steak knives
All the potato chips

My entertainment preferences

2008-11-10T09:07:00.003-06:00

Apparently at some point I purchased some tickets from Ticketmaster's Web site. I think it was for a Pixies show a few years ago. My punishment for doing this (other than paying like a zillion dollars in "convenience fees") is to receive occasional e-mails from Ticketmaster telling me what events are coming up that I may wish to pay zillions more in convenience fees (plus the actual ticket price) to attend.

The other day I got one of these e-mails. It said "Check out these local events that match your entertainment preferences." OK. Tell me, Ticketmaster, which local events match my "entertainment preferences"?

The first thing mentioned was Holly Golightly and the Broke-Offs at the 7th Street Entry. Um, OK. I don't really know anything about Holly Golightly. Does her show match my "entertainment preferences"? Maybe. Maybe not.

The next thing listed was "Disney on Ice: Mickey and Minnie's Magical Journey" at the Xcel Center. OK, Ticketmaster, this is a clear sign that you don't know the first thing about my entertainment preferences. Disney? On ice? Magical Journey? Nothing I would ever willingly attend has a title that includes any of those phrases.

Next up: The KDWB Jingle Ball featuring Rihanna, T.I., David Archuleta and Boys Like Girls. Wow. I am not going to say anything negative about any of those musical acts in particular, mostly because I've never heard more than a few seconds of their music before changing the radio station, but I'm going to say that any performer playing at an event held by KDWB is not a good match for my "entertainment preferences" -- nor is any event where the average age of the attendees is 13.

So, Ticketmaster seems to be doing a pretty shitty job of divining my "entertainment preferences." Clearly this e-mail is destined for the trash. But just for fun, let's look at the other events that I'm apparently supposed to be interested in, based on the fact that I bought some tickets for a Pixies show one time:

Freestyle Motocross: No thanks.
Minnesota Timberwolves "Guys Night Out" package vs. Phoenix Suns: No thanks.
"A Tuna Christmas": What does that even mean?
Paul Casey's "Elvis: The Musical": Maybe, for schlock value alone.
"Tony 'N Tina's Wedding": No thanks.
Gymnastic Superstar tour: I don't know, maybe it'd be fun, but seriously, what did I purchase that caused this to wind up in my "entertainment preferences"?

Some online services, like Amazon and iTunes, are pretty good at figuring out what kind of stuff I like based on my purchases and searches. Ticketmaster, however, is clearly not among them.

An open letter to 52 percent of California

2008-11-05T12:03:00.001-06:00

Dear 52 percent of California:

Grow up, assholes.

Sincerely,

Dylan

Yes we did

2008-11-04T22:56:00.003-06:00

Election Day

2008-11-04T09:05:00.003-06:00

It's finally here. There is no way I could do the moment justice better than Jon Talton and Andrew Sullivan, two very smart men who used to hold fast to the principles of conservatism but have seen how the modern Republican party has twisted, distorted and hollowed out the movement to the point where it's unrecognizable.

Talton:

George W. Bush rightly hides now. He presided over the debasement of the Constitution, the enshrinement of torture as American policy, an unnecessary and dangerously costly war waged on cooked intelligence, the failure to capture or kill bin Laden, the lethal federal incompetence in New Orleans and the worst financial collapse since the Depression -- caused by the deregulation and oligarchy he championed. As bad are the opportunities deliberately lost, especially on global warming and the limited world oil resources that even Bush admits. America has lost its moral compass, squandered precious moral capital in the world, wasted precious time. The Justice Department and federal judiciary have been poisoned, not only for the theocrats, but to give big business and monopoly an unbreakable hold on power. And John McCain would depart from these policies not one bit, except perhaps to open a new war in Iran.

All of this can be reversed. It will take sacrifice and hard work that Obama rightly said little of during the campaign. A nation living off the sacrifices of previous generations has been living in a haze. President Obama will give clarity and vision, courage and strength, the ability to articulate (!) our vast challenges and opportunities. The president can't and shouldn't do it all. But the past eight years have taught us just how much a president can do, and the danger of another George W. Bush.

(link)

Sullivan:

It will not be easy. The world will soon remember why it resents America as well as loves it. But until this unlikely fellow with the funny ears and strange name and exotic biography emerged on the scene, I had begun to wonder if it was possible at all. I had almost given up hope, and he helped restore it. That is what is stirring out there; and although you are welcome to mock me for it, I remain unashamed. As someone once said, in the unlikely story of America, there is never anything false about hope. Obama, moreover, seems to bring out the best in people, and the calmest, and the sanest. He seems to me to have a blend of Midwestern good sense, an intuitive understanding of the developing world that is as much our future now as theirs', an analyst's mind and a poet's tongue. He is human. He is flawed. He will make mistakes. His passivity and ambiguity are sometimes weaknesses as well as strengths.

But there is something about his rise that is also supremely American, a reminder of why so many of us love this country so passionately and are filled with such grief at what has been done to it and in its name. I endorse Barack Obama because I will not give up on America, because I believe in America, and in her constitution and decency and character and strength.

(link)

Go out and make it happen, America.

That must be some delicious Kool-Aid

2008-11-04T08:17:00.002-06:00

Wow.

Easy political Halloween costumes

2008-10-31T09:26:00.002-05:00

Buy a plunger and a Rolex and go as Joe the Plumber
Give yourself an icepick lobotomy and go as Sarah Palin
Get a bachelor's degree in political science with an emphasis in international relations, then get a degree in constitutional law from Harvard, and go as Barack Obama
Get a copy of the Constitution, make all kinds of changes with a red marker, and go as Dick Cheney
Contort your face into a ridiculous airhead grin, wear a tinfoil hat, and go as Michele Bachmann
Wear a suit and tie, stammer a lot, and contradict yourself every five minutes, and go as John McCain
Get a "Drill, Baby, Drill" t-shirt, a fake beer belly, a "These Colors Don't Run" jacket, and a community college rejection letter, and go as an RNC delegate.
Have your advisers figure out what everybody else is going as, then copy it and pretend it was your original idea, and go as Norm Coleman
Buy a turban and a vest packed with explosives and go as the right-wing caricature of Obama
Get a second mortgage on your house, spend it all on fabulous clothes and jewelry, and go as Cindy McCain
Stick your thumb up your ass and go as a McCain voter

Food

2008-10-30T11:22:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, when I lived alone, I didn't know what to make for dinner. There wouldn't be much food in the house, and I'd be in a hurry, and I wouldn't much feel like cooking. Here's what I almost always ended up doing: Staring at the barren fridge for a minute, and then saying "screw it" and rolling up some shredded cheese and sliced olives in tortillas, then microwaving them.

Last night, R didn't know what to make for dinner. There wasn't much food in the house, and she was very busy. She would have to throw something together. Here's what she made: A quiche with cheddar cheese, bacon and carmelized leeks, along with baked potatoes.

My life has changed a lot.

Things I can't do without swearing

2008-10-28T09:37:00.002-05:00

Drive during rush hour
Read letters to the editor
Assemble Ikea furniture

Previously, on "Lost" ...

2008-10-24T11:10:00.002-05:00

A bunch of crazy shit happened, and if you haven't been paying attention, you might as well forget trying to sort it all out, because you're just going to give yourself a headache, but, hey, we'll just show you these clips of Desmond telling Charlie he's going to die and Sun's lover sitting up in the bed for the 1,000th time and then start the episode.

Jokes

2008-10-18T18:47:00.002-05:00

So, Michelle Bachmann walks into a bar. And the bartender says, "What can I get you?" And Michelle Bachmann says, "Stop being so un-American." And then the bartender tells her she's a national disgrace and he's voting for Tinklenberg.

How many Michelle Bachmanns does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, if it's one of those evil fluorescent bulbs that the nanny state wants you to use, because she opposes them and refuses to touch them, but she'd be glad to screw in a good-old-fashioned, inefficient, incandescent bulb, because that's the American way.

What do you call 10,000 Michelle Bachmanns at the bottom of the sea? A shocking amount of pollution in our fragile ocean ecosystem.

What did Michelle Bachmann say to Elton John? "I like that song about Benny and the Jets, but you're a queer and you're still going to hell no matter how soulful you are."

So, Michelle Bachmann dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets her at the Pearly Gates and says "Did you live a good life?" and Michelle Bachmann says "Yes, I believe I did." And St. Peter says, "Well, you're wrong, you wasted your life spreading lies and jingoistic bullshit and God hates you. Go away, you can't come in."

What's the difference between Michelle Bachmann and a pit bull? The pit bull is less likely to sniff George Bush's crotch.

Palling around with terrorists

2008-10-14T18:15:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I wish I spent more time with my terrorist friends. But sadly, we’re prone to losing touch for months at a time. The other day when I heard Sarah Palin talk about how Barack Obama has been “palling around with terrorists,” it made me realize just how much I miss palling around with my own terrorist friends.

I remember back in college when me, Mohammed and Ahmed would go out bar hopping. Boy, those were some wild times! We’d sit at a little table in the corner and I’d sip my beer (they’d have water, because they are forbidden by Allah from drinking alcohol) and we’d snack on some nachos while we hit on all the half-drunk ladies in the place. Well, at least I hit on them; Mohammed and Ahmed mostly just sat there and seethed over how all the women’s heads, legs and arms were bare. Mohammed used to always say “What a despicable display of immodesty!” That was like his motto. I’d always poke fun at him about that. "Dude, isn't that swimsuit a little tight? What a despicable display of immodesty!" Ah, how we needled each other, the way good buddies do.

Then there was the time we were riding the bus down to a Timberwolves game and I was all like “Dude, this game is going to be awesome! The Bucks are going down!” and Ahmed was like “Shut up, infidel. We are only going because we’re scouting the place for good spots to hide bombs.” That was classic Ahmed humor.

Of course the very best times were when we’d just hang around in our dorm room, kind of half-studying and listening to some tunes on the stereo. I’d be complaining about this boring PoliSci paper I had to do, or whatever, and Mohammed and Ahmed would be reading the Qu’ran and giving me the evil eye. One time Mohammed tried to turn down the stereo, and I went right over and turned it up again, and then he turned it down, and then I turned it up even louder, and soon both of us were laughing and wrestling on the floor. Well, I was laughing; Mohammed was kind of snarling as he wrapped his hands around my throat. Then he smashed the stereo.

Ah, the good old days. Since college, we’ve gotten together a few times, but with less and less frequency. I’ll sometimes send them little e-mails to try to keep in touch, mostly just little short jokes and whatnot. I’ll write something like “Got that flight to Guantanamo booked yet? I hear the tickets are cheap this time of year!” But they don’t usually write back. I guess that’s what happens with relationships over time. People get busy.

I’m thinking of trying to rekindle those old friendships. Maybe have a party and invite all my terrorist friends. They can even bring their own terrorist friends along. Why, even if they have non-terrorist friends, they’d be welcome, too. I feel like I have to make an effort. After all, if you take your terrorist friends for granted, you’re likely to lose them.

They're out there

2008-10-13T21:30:00.005-05:00

In Burnsville today I was confronted by the depressing fact that some adult human being is not ashamed to drive around town with this license plate:

It's true, I don't understand. But honestly, Intrigue driver, your incomprehensible Toby Keith obsession says more about you than it does about me.

In case it wasn't clear enough that Toby Keith is this person's demigod, there was this pair of items in the rear window:

Words fail.

Two weeks off

2008-10-13T20:38:00.004-05:00

Hey! Look! I'm posting on my blog. Isn't that sensational?

I've been away for two weeks, which is by far the longest hiatus in the illustrious history of A Place Called B.L.O.G. Why? There are many possible explanations. Here are a few:

I was really busy.
I didn't have any great ideas to post.
My free time has been taken up by other pursuits.
It's all the fault of elitist Hollywood liberals.

It's actually a combination of all those things.

I used to post almost every day, sometimes more. People used to say to me that I must not have had a life because I was blogging a lot. I never really agreed; I always felt like I had a life. It's not that I've suddenly gotten a life; it's more like I have a different kind of life now. Work responsibilities are more consuming. Home life is settling into a groove, with lots to do and lots to tend to, and the time I used to spend blogging on here is now more likely to be put into household stuff, family time and the like.

I have toyed with the idea of declaring this blog officially over. Maybe it's run its course, I've been thinking. But I don't think I'm ready to completely give it up. I just think this may go from the kind of blog you check every day to the kind you check once or twice a week, because although I may have a run of posts here and there, I can't guarantee that I'll be able to get it back to my old level.

New hit shows

2008-09-30T19:20:00.005-05:00

"Laws of Attraction," CBS: In the high-pressure, fast-paced world of a pricey law firm, four confident but slightly neurotic young lawyers go through trials — both inside the courtroom and out — as they deliberate on a verdict about the nature of love and relationships.

"Adult Education," NBC: In the high-pressure, fast-paced world of a suburban high school, four talented but tormented young teachers administer lessons to their classes — while learning their own lessons on love — as they strive to graduate to new levels of interpersonal enlightenment.

"Meat Market," Fox: In the high-pressure, fast-paced world of a bustling butcher shop, four cocky but secretly vulnerable young butchers sell prime cuts of meat — while searching for a little fresh meat of their own — as they learn that with meat cleavers as well as matters of the heart, it's best to handle with care.

"The Daily Grind," WB: In the high-pressure, fast-paced world of a busy coffee shop, four self-assured yet sensitive young baristas pour mochas and lattes for their customers — while pouring their own hearts into a series of passionate affairs — as they discover that in the world of coffee as well as the world of relationships, contents may be extremely hot.

"Recycled Goods," ABC: In the high-pressure, fast-paced world of a prominent urban recycling-collection company, four headstrong but conflicted young recycling engineers spend their days processing the city's old bottles and cans — and processing their own relationship problems — as they learn that in the recycling business as well as in love, one person's trash can be another's treasure.

Religion and politics

2008-09-29T21:25:00.002-05:00

There are really no two issues than can get me going quite like religion and politics. Put them together, and what do you get? Voila! A bona fide blog rant. Get ready for it. (The pious and conservative among you may want to avert your eyes.)

So, a bunch of religious freaks are trying to challenge the federal law that says if you're going to be a tax-exempt religious organization, you can't use your pulpit to tell people how to vote. There's actually an organized campaign (among the more conservative churches, of course) to get preachers to violate the law on purpose, in the hope that it will lead to legal challenges that could possibly overturn the law.

I don't quite know where to begin.

First off, religious fanatics should not be tax-exempt in the first place. Sure, some of them act kind of like charities and they use some of their money to help people, and that seems like a tax-exempt sort of thing to do. Well, let these churches go through separate nonprofit groups to do their good works if they want to. The churches and the ideas upon which they are founded don't do a thing to earn this special status in society. They spread simplistic BS about the nature of the world and they keep people ignorant. They carry on a long tradition of instilling destructive biases in their followers. They do far more to hold the human race back than to advance it toward a better future, and always have.

Second, if we are going to stay chained to a past where these organizations get this undeserved respect, we at least need to rein it in a little bit and keep these agents of superstition and baseless dogma from brainwashing their gullible followers into voting for their idiot candidates. A successful society does not allow itself to be governed by people who live in a foolish alternate version of reality. Religious fundamentalists must not be allowed to have any more influence over public policy. These are the people who gave us George W. Bush, who was "called by god" to run for president and then happily led us down a path toward destruction. Yeah, thanks a lot for that, god.

Third, if these preachers want to put their precious tax exemptions on the line to violate the rules, the government should come down on them hard. Tax the living shit out of them. I just wish there were some way to use the tax proceeds from churches to directly fund programs the churches hate, like (depending on the church) birth control, evolutionary biology classes in public schools, or giant statues of Richard Dawkins or Charles Darwin outside the offending churches.

That is all.

How many times do I have to tell you?

2008-09-29T19:40:00.001-05:00

Read Jon Talton.

Thank you.

Proposed slogans for the Minnesota Vikings

2008-09-28T20:58:00.002-05:00

The Minnesota Vikings: Why not?
Just like real vikings, except not scary or threatening in any way
Winning isn't everything, you know
Think you know disappointment? You ain't seen nothing yet
The Minnesota Vikings: Still better than Detroit
Remember 1998? Just think about that. Except that last game
Touchdowns are soooo overrated anyway
The Minnesota Vikings: As a matter of fact, the Seahawks have never won a Super Bowl either, smartass
Skoal Vikings!*
Purple pride! Oh, wait, did I say pride? I meant shame
The Minnesota Vikings: Bad at football since 1961

*That's Norwegian for "The Vikings suck"

Reasons to forget about Wall Street and just give me that $700 billion

2008-09-24T20:25:00.003-05:00

Because I am unlikely to waste it all on risky derivatives
Because I bear very little responsibility for getting us into this mess
Because I would buy a chest freezer and an ice machine, injecting hundreds of dollars into the beleaguered cooling-appliances market
Because then I could finally buy my son that private island he's been asking for
Because I'd hold a nationwide series of contests in categories such as whistling, paper-airplane making and toothpick-skyscraper engineering, with million-dollar prizes for the champions, and that would pump a lot of money into the economy, and it would have the added benefit of returning America to its rightful place as the world leader in useless skills

Writing my congresspeople

2008-09-21T19:52:00.004-05:00

Today I decided to write my congresswomen and congressman. I wanted to express my opinion on the $700 billion financial bailout package proposed for the financial industry.

But this is not a post about the bailout package. This is about something else I noticed.

My representative, Betty McCollum, and our U.S. Senators, Norm Coleman and Amy Klobuchar, each have website contact forms where you put in your information and type a message to submit. You also choose from a list of subjects to indicate what you are writing about.

I noticed that the two Democratic women and the Republican man have some different ideas about what their constituents are interested in. For instance, on Coleman's form, you can select "Guns and 2nd Amendment Issues," which is not a choice for the other two. Meanwhile, on the other two, you can choose "Labor and/or Worker's Rights" as a subject, but you can't choose that on Coleman's. Hmm. I wonder if their predispositions about politics color what they expect their constituents to be writing about.

Of course many of them are overlapping. You can choose taxes, defense/military, education, social security, the environment, and many other topics on all three.

But there are quite a few that appear on Coleman's list but not on Klobuchar and McCollum's, or vice versa. I'm going to list for you a large sample of the issues that appear on one party's list but not the other, and you get to guess which is which:

1. Casework
2. Civil Rights
3. Disability rights
4. HIV and AIDS
5. Passports
6. Banking/financial services
7. Crime & Judiciary
8. Israel
9. Government reform
10. Women's health
11. Arts & humanities
12. Native Americans
13. Rural development
14. Welfare
15. Stem-cell research
16. Campaign finance
17. Childcare
18. Telecommunications
19. Line-item veto
20. Special education
21. Minimum wage
22. Animal welfare
23. Voting rights

OK, ready for the answers?

Coleman's were casework, passports, Israel, rural development, stem-cell research, telecommunications, line-item veto and minimum wage.

McCollum's were civil rights, disability rights, HIV/AIDS, women's health, campaign finance, childcare, special education and voting rights.

Klobuchar's were government reform, crime and judiciary, Native Americans and animal welfare.

Both Democrats had arts & humanities, banking/financial services and welfare.

Top Ten Week: Inventions

2008-09-20T16:50:00.000-05:00

I am counting on science and technology to make things easier for me. That’s what science and technology are for, right? Well, I think all those scientists and inventors aren’t pulling their weight. They’re giving us smaller and smaller iPods and fancy new touch-screen controls for our cars, but where are the really cool inventions?

Today, as Top Ten Week continues, I shall list for you the top ten inventions I’d like them to get going on.

Top Ten inventions I want to see during my lifetime

10. Hoverboards. It’s been nearly 20 years since Back to the Future 2 presented a vision of a utopia where people could glide around on hovering skateboards. Didn’t that look fun? I’ve been waiting for my hoverboard ever since. The movie supposedly took place in 2015, which is only seven years away. I’m expecting the next president to appoint some kind of commission to figure out how we can get hoverboards on the market by 2015.

9. Diet cola that tastes good and doesn’t kill you. So far no company has been able to develop a good-tasting diet soft drink that doesn’t contain one or more hazardous chemicals. I want it both ways! I want to drink cola to my heart’s content and not get fat or die!

8. Cooling car seats. They have heated car seats, which is a good start. But they also need to have some kind of air-conditioning system for the backs of the car seats, for those summer days when your back gets really hot and you end up with a big sweat stain on your back. Think of how great that would be.

7. Republican translator. I’m tired of trying to figure out what these people are talking about. It’d be good to have an invention that could easily translate. For instance, if you type in the phrase “I’m in favor of traditional family values,” it would helpfully translate it into “I hate gay people.” Or if you put in “Fascist liberal elitists are to blame for all problems” it would spit out the translation “I never graduated from high school.”

6. Noise into energy. Remember that Monsters Inc. movie where they bottled up screams and used them as an energy source? That was brilliant. If we could find a way to convert yelling and other loud noises into electricity, I could power my whole house for a year just from one day of my son being around.

5. Bullshit detector. People have been talking about bullshit detectors for years, but an effective model is yet to hit the market. What gives? I want a little doohickey like the guys in Ghostbusters carried around, where I can point it at people and if they’re full of shit the little blinking mechanical arms go up.

4. Remote controlled door opener. I need something to hook up to the sliding glass door that would open and close it at the touch of a button. I could hook the remote control up to a keychain or a bracelet or something. This would keep us from having to get up and let the dog and cat in and out 2,000 times a day.

3. Hydroelectric downspouts. Speaking of energy generation, I think our scientists should work harder to squeeze energy out of natural phenomena. Why not install little hydroelectric energy generators in the downspouts hooked up to your gutters? They’d turn and generate power whenever it rained and you could store up the energy in a battery that your house could use. Look, I just solved the energy crisis. You’re welcome.

2. Teleportation. It’s such a simple idea: Break down matter into a stream of atoms, beam it instantly across the world (or the galaxy), and reassemble it exactly how it was, without altering it or damaging it in any way. I really think our scientists are slacking off on this one.

1. Breakdancing robots. Think about it for a moment: We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t build a breakdancing robot. Dammit, I want a breakdancing robot. Wouldn’t it be the coolest thing ever? I could have parties and invite people over just to watch the breakdancing robot. I swear if I die without having owned a breakdancing robot I’m going to be really disappointed.

Election: Over

2008-09-20T16:40:00.003-05:00

John McCain, gaffe machine, does it again:

"Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation."

He wrote this in the current issue of Contingencies, a magazine of the actuarial profession.

So ... he wants to "fix" health care by applying the same philosophy that, when applied to banks, led to the worst economic crisis in nearly a century.

Riiiiiiiight.

What else does this guy have to do to prove that he's absolute poison?

Worried about the economy?

2008-09-19T13:57:00.002-05:00

Me too. I'm pretty interested in having, you know, a job and health insurance, so it's kind of an important issue for me.

As the headlines have been telling us lately, both major presidential candidates claim they'll clean up this mess. Of course they do. What else are they going to say?

Which one of them would actually be the better choice, though? Well, Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson offers this assessment of McCain's readiness to tackle the problem:

John McCain was telling the truth when he said that economics wasn't his strong suit. In response to what many economists have called the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, the Republican nominee has sounded -- and let's be honest here -- totally, embarrassingly and dangerously clueless.

The column also points out that McCain, who suddenly says he thinks there needs to be more regulation in the financial industry, has been singing a very different tune throughout his Senate career. He's been staunchly anti-regulation. Even now, one of his top economic advisers, Phil Gramm, is one of the people most responsible for the deregulation that directly led to this financial meltdown.

McCain, who told the Wall Street Journal in March that "I'm always for less regulation," now asks voters to believe he will be a champion of tough, unblinking oversight. He's shocked and outraged that Wall Street's preening Masters of the Universe threw a drunken toga party and smashed all the furniture -- but he helped buy the beer and told the cops to look the other way.

Free markets solve everything, right? Um, maybe not.

So, who to vote for? Obama predicted that this financial crisis was coming. He has a more concrete — not to mention credible — plan than McCain. Oh, and in case you have been snookered into believing that Democrats will tax you to death and drag down the economy, you might want to know that independent analysis has shown that Obama's plans would lower taxes on a larger percentage of the population than McCain's. Also, there's this chart, which clearly shows that Democrats have been better for the economy in the last 50 years — the GDP has grown more under Democratic presidents, inflation has been lower, unemployment has been lower, and despite what your local wingnut conservative radio host might tell you, federal spending has actually been lower under Democrats than Republicans. But, but, but ... I thought Republicans were about smaller government?

Look again, people.

Bird entertainment

2008-09-19T09:31:00.003-05:00

Movies: Beauty and the Beak
Songs: Everybody Molts
TV Shows: America's Got Talons
Books: Please Don't Kill A Mockingbird

Top Ten Week: Twins players

2008-09-19T00:01:00.002-05:00

OK, so it's true that other bloggers are much more qualified than I am to compile lists of the best Twins players, and those other bloggers are capable of spending a lot more time than I am to research their picks.

Doesn't stop me from doing it, though, as Top Ten Week continues.

For the purposes of this list, I'm only counting players who were with the team during the time I was paying attention, which is 1987 on. Yeah, I know, that leaves out Killebrew, Carew, Oliva and all the rest. But I didn't watch any of them play and I don't feel especially qualified to comment on the players who took the field before I was born or while I wasn't paying attention. So, I guess this is the top 10 Twins of the past 20 years. Also, I won't count players like Molitor and Winfield who played most of their careers elsewhere.

Top 10 Minnesota Twins players, 1987-present

10. Corey Koskie, 3B. The big Canadian was always one of my favorites. I felt like he was an underrated hitter, and his defense was stupendous. He had a good mix of moderate power and very good on-base skills, and he came through with some huge hits during that 2001-2004 period when the team reestablished itself as a contender after a decade or so of futility.

9. Joe Nathan, RP. It's pretty safe to say that even if the deal hadn't also netted Francisco Liriano, the trade that brought Nathan to the Twins in exchange for A.J. Pierzynski was a lopsided win for the Twins. Nathan has been among the most effective closers in the league since joining the team. The race for the title of best Twins closer of all time is a close call between Nathan and Rick Aguilera.

8. Torii Hunter, CF. Torii had his share of maddening at-bats, and he was liable to swing at just about anything and go into prolonged slumps, but he brought the power and did it while playing a position where offense is at a premium. The Twins were wise not to match the contract he got from the Angels, but he gave them year after year of stellar defense and good hitting, not to mention that awesome All-Star Game moment when he robbed Bonds of a home run.

7. Chuck Knoblauch, 2B. Yeah, he was kind of a jerk, and yeah, his career went to crap a couple seasons after he left for the Yankees, but he was an excellent second baseman during the championship year of 1991 and six years after. He was often among the league leaders in OBP and stolen bases and he had a little bit of power to boot. He was one of the few bright spots during the 1993-1997 dark years for the Twins. Look at his line from 1996: .341/.448/.517, good for a 143 OPS+, along with 45 stolen bases, 140 runs, 13 HRs and 72 RBIs. That's a killer year.

6. Brad Radke, SP. If you subtracted the first inning of each of his starts, Radke might have been among the best Twins pitchers ever. Alas, you don't get to do that, so Radke was merely the best Twins pitcher of 1995 to 2005, turning in year after year of solid (if not spectacular) pitching and rising to the occasion in many big games once the Twins finally got back into contention. He was the man who (until Johan Santana came around) best embodied the Twins pitching philosophy of throwing strikes and dominating by changing speeds and hitting your spots.

5. Justin Morneau, 1B. The man who finally ended the Twins' confounding lack of power hitters from 1987 on is currently one of the most feared hitters in the league. He won the MVP a couple years ago, and he's made 30+ home runs, 100+ RBI and .900+ OPS things you might actually see in the Twins' end-of-year stats. He also plays a very good first base. He's still in his prime and there's an excellent chance that he'll move up this list before all is said and done.

4. Joe Mauer, C. Hometown Joe has turned into every bit as good a player as advertised when he was chosen as the first overall pick in the draft a few years ago. He hits for a high average and has easily the best plate discipline of any Twin since Knoblauch. He has some home run power (although not as much as some people would like), he's got a great arm behind the plate and there's little doubt to me that he's the best overall catcher in the major leagues. He may not produce runs like Morneau does, but he plays at a position where most teams settle for a .250 hitter with decent defensive skills. In Mauer, the Twins have a legit #3 hitter who's still getting better.

3. Kent Hrbek, 1B. Speaking of slugging first basemen, I wasn't sure the Twins would ever be able to top Hrbek. (If Morneau keeps it up for 5 more years, he has a shot.) From 1982 to 1993, he turned in a string of excellent seasons, hitting 20 or more home runs in all but 2 of those years and posting an OPS+ at 112 or higher every year, the high tide being 142, 149 and 139 in 1987-1989. He was a monster, and people tend to forget that he was a defensive wizard, too. It was a shame he never won a Gold Glove. Add a great personality that made him a fan favorite and you have one of the best Twins of all time.

2. Johan Santana, SP. It's sad that the Johan Santana era came to an early end for the Twins, but that doesn't take away from the amazing run of dominance he put together before he left. He won two Cy Young awards in three years, and it should have been three. He struck out at least 230 batters in four straight seasons. He was the best starting pitcher in baseball during that run, and it wasn't particularly close.

1. Kirby Puckett, CF. Of course. Totally predictable. Puckett's lowest batting average in 12 years with the Twins was .288, in his second season. His lowest OPS+ after that year was 119, and his career OPS+ was 124. He made the All-Star team in nine straight seasons. He electrified the crowd with great defensive plays. He sprayed line drives all over the field and hustled his way out of the box as fast as anybody. He hit .356 with 24 HRs and 121 RBI in 1998, one of the best seasons ever for a Twins player. He was a hero in two postseasons that ended with World Series titles. Of course he hit the legendary home run in 1991's Game 6. He's the only Hall of Famer on this list. He's easily the best Twin of my lifetime.

Top Ten Week: Star Wars characters

2008-09-18T17:07:00.005-05:00

I don't consider myself to be a huge Star Wars geek. I've never been to a convention, never dressed up as a character, never read any of the books, never read fan fiction, and only ever owned the action figures when I was actually a kid.

But like many people, I have a fondness for the movies and have seen them several times. I've been impressed by the way the language and mythology of Star Wars just seems to seep from one generation to the next. I can't think of much else in the world of entertainment, aside from maybe Dr. Seuss books, that seems to automatically take hold in a huge proportion of kids of a certain age. Even though I'd made no effort to expose him to Star Wars, my son just started picking it up when he was 5 or 6, as if by osmosis.

I think everybody has their favorite characters. It's that kind of movie — the kind where even a relatively obscure character like Boba Fett can have a devoted cult following, and more prominent characters such as Chewbacca and Yoda are practically demigods. I have my own opinions, of course, which I present to you now as Top Ten Week continues.

10. Luke Skywalker. You might expect the hero of the series to rank higher than this, but honestly the idea of Luke is a lot more compelling than the reality. He doesn’t have a lot of personality. Sure, you root for him, and his transformation from farm boy to hero is satisfying. He just lacks the energy and originality that made other characters more memorable. His central role and Jedi skills make him a no-brainer to be on the list somewhere, though.

9. Yoda. This refers to the Yoda character of the second and third movies, not the CGI creature in the last three. Yoda was compelling because he was an important character in an unexpected package. The idea that this frail, dorky-looking little Muppet was a Jedi master said something important about the nature of the Force. All epic movies need a good mentor character and Yoda turns out to fit the bill very nicely with his philosophical pronouncements, the most famous of which, of course, is “Do or do not. There is no try.”

8. Princess Leia. Leia is a twist on the traditional damsel-in-distress thing because she's actually tough and independent, and the interplay between her and Han Solo gave the first three movies the kind of emotional tension and human touch that was so glaringly absent in the last three.

7. Jawas. Those little buggers who droid-napped C3P0 and R2D2 in the first movie gave me the creeps when I was a kid. Looking back, I like them because in this big, grand movie about space wars, they were just these little scavengers who lived in the harsh desert and made a living basically by running a big pawnshop on wheels. It was a grimy little touch that helped define the world of the first movie not as some kind of utopia of gleaming spaceships and sophisticated technology, but as a dirty and desperate place.

6. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan’s presence in the first three movies boils down to a major role in the first one and a couple of cameos in the other two, but his presence is important. He lends dignity and legitimacy to the crusade of Luke and his friends. You can tell from the start that he’s a little world-weary, but he’s also patient, cool and collected. Plus he’s great at the Jedi Mind Trick.

5. Jabba the Hutt. A giant slug on a barge surrounded by an entourage of sinister monsters. Yeah, Jabba the Hutt is awesome.

4. C3P0. A lot of people think R2D2 is cooler, and C3P0 is kind of a square and a downer, but I think C3P0 is a key character. He is the voice of worry and fear for the movies, providing an important counterbalance to the confidence and recklessness of other characters. He’s also cool because he can speak all those languages. In the Star Wars galaxy, an interpreter is pretty important.

3. Chewbacca. Chewbacca represents everything that was right about the first three movies and, in a way, everything that was wrong about the last three. He’s just a guy in a suit and he never speaks an English word, but he’s got more personality than all the CGI wonders of the last three movies combined. What’s not to like about Chewy? He’s a big brute, and not to be trifled with, but he’s really a big softie inside. And he’s the perfect sidekick to Han Solo.

2. Darth Vader. What more can be said about one of the best villains in movie history? He was the perfect combination of a great character back story, a great costume, and the great voice of James Earl Jones.

1. Han Solo. I’m convinced that the character of Han Solo, more than anything else, was what made the first three movies so great, especially in comparison to the last three. You knew all along that Han was basically a good guy, but it wasn’t always black and white. He had other motivations, too, and even though he kept getting roped into adventures with the rebels, he was never shy about calling BS when he saw it. His attitude and his wisecracks were a needed contrast to the goody-goody Luke. The moral ambiguity he represented was a key element of the films, and in each of the instances where he chose to do the right thing and be there for his friends, it seemed like a hopeful statement that the good in each of us can prevail — which is of course the overarching theme of the movies, culminating in Darth Vader’s deathbed conversion back to the right side of the Force.

Top 10 Week: Worst '90s Alternative Music Lyrics

2008-09-17T21:08:00.006-05:00

Remember the glory days of 1990s alternative music? Back when you couldn't turn on the radio without hearing Nirvana, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins or Alice In Chains? Back when bands like Silverchair, Bush, the Offspring and Live burst onto the scene, created ten seconds of buzz, and unfortunately stuck around long enough for us hate them?

I was in high school and college in the '90s. That's prime music-listening age. The era of the "alternative" scene (which, by the time I'd even heard of it, had stopped being a true alternative to anything) was when the foundation of my musical tastes formed. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I look back on that stuff and shudder. Turns out most of it was crap.

For today's installment of Top Ten Week, I go digging back into that decade of my youth and pull out the 10 worst song lyrics of the "alternative" scene. For the purposes of this list, I'm only counting the kind of stuff you'd have heard during the heyday of "The Edge," the radio station that brought "alternative" into the Twin Cities mainstream. So, none of the nu metal/Limp Bizkit/Korn bullshit that seemed to take up the "alternative" mantle after The Edge (along with Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains and Smashing Pumpkins) went the way of the dinosaur.

This was a hard list to make. There was such a wealth of material that I couldn't even find room on the list for Blind Melon, Crash Test Dummies, Counting Crows, Collective Soul, the Presidents of the United States of America or Alanis Morrissette. That's saying a lot.

The Top Ten Worst '90s Alternative Music Lyrics

10. "Tomorrow," Silverchair
"Won't you come with me to a place in a little town.
The only way to get there's to go straight down
There's no bathroom, and there is no sink
The water out of the tap is very hard to drink."

The water out of the tap is very hard to drink? That line always struck me as incredibly weak. Also, if there is no bathroom and no sink, where is this running water coming from? And "the only way to get there's to go straight down"? Is this town located in the Earth's molten core?

9. "Down in a Hole," Alice in Chains
"Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied"

Losing my soul, can't fly, wings denied — I guess this is what passes for "deep" for Alice In Chains, a.k.a. the group responsible for more mindless, mediocre radio filler than any other band of the era.

8. "All Mixed Up," 311
"Watch me now with a wicked and wild
Sick sick sick but got to have it
Like bustin' in on a session but you got to call it quits
Sick sick sick but just can't quit
Fact that you don't even know makes you fully legit."

What the hell was 311 talking about?

7. "Counting Blue Cars," Dishwalla
"Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God,
'Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me, am I very far?"

Oh, Dishwalla. Why?

6. "Spiderwebs," No Doubt
"Sorry I’m not home right now
I’m walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message and I’ll call you back."

Yes, we've all been there. Who among us hasn't fallen behind on their personal communication because of entanglements with spiderwebs? I personally like to spend lots of time out walking into spiderwebs, which means most people who call me have to leave messages. Seriously, though, it was a hard choice between this song or No Doubt's equally grating "Just a Girl," but this one is dumber.

5. "Glycerine," Bush
"Don’t let the days go by
Glycerine
Glycerine."

Bush was very generous in contributing potential material for this list, including the gems "got a machinehead, it's better than the rest" and "there's no sex in your violence," but this one takes the cake. The song consists mainly of the simple (unexplained) plea "Don't let the days go by," followed by the unrelated, oft-repeated (and unexplained) noun "Glycerine." That's all it takes to write a hit song? Wow.

4. "Two Princes," Spin Doctors
"If you want to call me baby, just go ahead now
And if you like to tell me maybe, just go ahead now
And if you want to buy me flowers, just go ahead now
And if you like to talk for hours, just go ahead now."

Any songwriter who rhymes "maybe" with "baby" gets an automatic demerit in my book. And this song is full of brainless crap like that. The moment the Spin Doctors hit the scene is when everybody should have realized this "alternative" thing was going off the rails in a big way.

3. "Champagne Supernova," Oasis
"Some day you will find me
Caught beneath a landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky."

The guys from Oasis were always way more full of themselves than their talents warranted. This song was the apex of their pretentiousness, in my book. Is this supposed to be meaningful in some way? Is it supposed to be psychedelic? Reflective? Whatever it's supposed to be, it fails badly.

2. "All Over You," Live
"Our love is like water
Pinned down and abused for being strange."

100 bucks for anybody who can explain to me how water can be "pinned down and abused." Or explain what's so strange about water. Or explain why anybody ever listened to Live.

1. "Bullet With Butterfly Wings," Smashing Pumpkins
"Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage."

This song — and, more precisely, this line — was the moment that perfectly summed up all the exaggerated angst and faux suffering of the entire 1990s "alternative" scene. After the Seattle grunge bands paved the way, every dickhead with a garage and a guitar started trying to turn their "angst" into a gig at Lollapalooza. It was an instant cliche and no band embodied it better than the latter-day Smashing Pumpkins, who by then had turned into something no better than all the other bands that had been trying to rip them off. The "despite all my rage" line was easily the most clumsy, laughable product of this attempt to sell angst to the overdramatic teenagers of America. And for that, it takes the prize as the worst '90s alternative music lyric.

Looking for some concrete differences between the candidates?

2008-09-16T23:59:00.001-05:00

I've spewed a lot of bile and sarcasm about the presidential race in the past few months. (That's kind of my style.) But behind all my frustration and anger is something pure and real: The desire to see things get better in this country. And the reason I'm so annoyed with McCain-Palin-Etc. is because they're so oblivious to our problems and how to solve them.

Looking for a nice, meaty, important example of this? One that will directly affect your life and possibly even your survival? The Wall Street Journal obliges with an excellent breakdown of the candidates' ideas about health care reform. It was written by two economics professors and a law professor (one of whom, for full disclosure, advises Obama's campaign). Basically, there's a good chance that if McCain gets his way, you could lose the health insurance you get from your employer, while Obama's plan would strengthen coverage while providing incentives to cut costs and improve outcomes.

For those of you who aren't big link-clickers, here are a few samples:

Sen. Obama's proposal will modernize our current system of employer- and government-provided health care, keeping what works well, and making the investments now that will lead to a more efficient medical system. He does this in five ways:

- Learning. One-third of medical costs go for services at best ineffective and at worst harmful. Fifty billion dollars will jump-start the long-overdue information revolution in health care to identify the best providers, treatments and patient management strategies.

- Rewarding. Doctors and hospitals today are paid for performing procedures, not for helping patients. Insurers make money by dumping sick patients, not by keeping people healthy. Mr. Obama proposes to base Medicare and Medicaid reimbursements to hospitals and doctors on patient outcomes (lower cholesterol readings, made and kept follow-up appointments) in a coordinated effort to focus the entire payment system around better health, not just more care.

- Pooling. The Obama plan would give individuals and small firms the option of joining large insurance pools. With large patient pools, a few people incurring high medical costs will not topple the entire system, so insurers would no longer need to waste time, money and resources weeding out the healthy from the sick, and businesses and individuals would no longer have to subject themselves to that costly and stressful process.

- Preventing. In today's health-care market, less than one dollar in 25 goes for prevention, even though preventive services -- regular screenings and healthy lifestyle information -- are among the most cost-effective medical services around. Guaranteeing access to preventive services will improve health and in many cases save money.

- Covering. Controlling long-run health-care costs requires removing the hidden expenses of the uninsured. The reforms described above will lower premiums by $2,500 for the typical family, allowing millions previously priced out of the market to afford insurance.

And McCain's plan?

In contrast, Sen. McCain, who constantly repeats his no-new-taxes promise on the campaign trail, proposes a big tax hike as the solution to our health-care crisis. His plan would raise taxes on workers who receive health benefits, with the idea of encouraging their employers to drop coverage. A study conducted by University of Michigan economist Tom Buchmueller and colleagues published in the journal Health Affairs suggests that the McCain tax hike will lead employers to drop coverage for over 20 million Americans.

What would happen to these people? Mr. McCain will give them a small tax credit, $5,000 for a family and $2,500 for an individual, and tell them to navigate the individual insurance market on their own.
For middle- and lower-income people, the credits are way too small. They are less than half the cost of policies today ($12,000 on average for a family), and are far below the 75% that most employers offering coverage contribute. Further, their value would erode over time, as the credit increases less rapidly than average premiums.

Those already sick are completely out of luck, as individual insurers are free to deny coverage due to pre-existing conditions. Mr. McCain has proposed a high-risk pool for the very sick, but has not put forward the money to make it work.

If you want a second opinion, try The American Prospect's Ezra Klein:

Here's the simple takeaway: McCain's health care plan would increase taxes on employer based health insurance and price 20 million plus Americans out of the coverage they currently rely on. In return, he'd give them a tax credit that is not indexed to health costs, and will become worthless as the years pass. He'd push them into the individual market, where higher administrative costs and underwriting practices mean that if individuals try to purchase the exact policy offered by their employers, they will pay $2,000 more per year. In addition, the sick can be turned away, and the state regulations that ensure some minimum level of benefits will be dismantled. All this will cost us $1.3 trillion over 10 years, and set the rules so that more of the expense falls on the sick and less rests on the healthy.

In other words, his plan makes health care more expensive, less comprehensive, and less secure. It is health reform you can't believe in, or rely upon.

Hmm. Who's ahead in the polls again?

And will the average American even get this information before he or she goes out and votes?

Stop sign courtesy

2008-09-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Minnesotans,

Stop trying to be courteous at four-way stop signs. Really, just knock it off.

When you're crossing the road I'm driving on, and you stop at the intersection before I do, I expect you to go first. I stop my car and sit there waiting for you to go. And you don't go. And then I say "screw it," and I start to go, and just as I take my foot off the brake and start moving, you finally decide you want to start going. So I press my brake again. And so do you. And finally I just say something impolite to you and speed through the intersection cursing you and your goddamn Chrysler Town & Country.

Is that really what you were going for when you were trying to be "courteous"?

Listen, it's quite simple. The road works best when you actually obey the rules that govern it. If I stop at the intersection even a split-second later than you do, I want you to go first. In fact, knowing that Minnesotans seem to have this urge to be "courteous," I often creep forward slowly before coming to a complete stop, just to try to make it very obvious to you that you had stopped first, so we don't have to do that little "who goes first?" dance. So, take a freaking hint and just go. Don't sit there and wave me through the intersection even though I stopped a full half-second after you did. I don't need courtesy. I need strict adherence to a system that we can all understand, and which is in place for the express purpose of keeping the goings-on of our roads safe and efficient.

Thank you.

Top Ten Week!

2008-09-16T15:03:00.006-05:00

I know that A Place Called B.L.O.G. has not been living up to its usual standards lately. I have struggled to find the time and inclination to post as often as usual. I've been facing a shortage of the ideas that used to flow unceasingly from my brain like meat juice from a broken freezer. I apologize for this.

What is the solution? I did some thinking and meditating (and a little napping), and I came up with a couple of ideas.

My first idea was to take the John McCain approach: Completely reinvent myself every 10 minutes to match whatever seems popular at the time, blame the sexism of other bloggers for my predicament, and finally give in, let out a deep sigh, and mumble something about appointing a commission to look into the problem. If questioned further, remind everybody that I used to be a POW.

Then I remembered that John McCain is a big old sack of poo, and I decided to go with a gimmick instead.

My gimmick is Top Ten Week. Each day I will post a list of the Top Ten Something. This has potential. I just think of a category, and then think of the Top Ten things in that category. And then you read it and are entertained. Sounds great, huh?

Today, I'm going to start with the Top Ten animals at the Minnesota Zoo. R and I went there today and it was great. I love zoos. I think I might have mentioned that before.

Top Ten Minnesota Zoo animals:

10. Komodo dragons. Did you know when they bite you they inject you with this bacteria that causes you to become deathly ill, and then they follow you around until you bloat up and die, and then they eat you? Yeah, that's pretty freaking nasty.

9. Cuttlefish. These are wild-looking cephalopods. I think these are the only cephalopods at the zoo, which is enough to get them on the list. (Other cephalopods include squid and octopi.) They are among the smartest marine animals and they can change their skin color and texture within seconds. Rock.

8. Bald eagle. There is just the one bald eagle, and it can't fly and pretty much just sits there and stares at you, but boy it's imposing. These are awesome birds and being close to one is pretty cool.

7. Prairie dogs. What's not to like? Cute, hyperactive and social. Running in and out of their little holes. I could watch them for hours. (OK, maybe a half hour.)

6. Lynx. They look like giant housecats. Giant housecats with different-looking ears and a stubby tail, yes, but still giant housecats. They're agile and sleek. They rule.

5. Slow loris. A tiny tree-dwelling rodent with huge eyes that moves extremely slowly. Any questions?

4. Grizzlies. These, of course, are new this year. There are three of them. They love to swim, dig, play and scratch themselves. If you can tell me something more fun than looking at grizzly bears, I'd like to hear it.

3. Wild boars. OK, so there is something more fun than looking at grizzly bears, and it's looking at wild boars. These are also new, in the Russia exhibit. They're like a cross between a pig and a miniature deer. They oink a little bit and root around with their snouts. They wrestle and run around. Today one was intent on picking up a rock with its snout and pushing it through the chain-link fence in its enclosure.

2. Snow monkeys. It's the first thing you see when you come in: The big windows opening up onto the snow monkey enclosure. There must be 15 or 20 of them, in all sizes. Big, lumbering, irritable males; patient and maternal females; and rowdy little juveniles, including a baby that was born this year and spends a lot of time hanging from her mom. They run. They climb. They jump. They pick at each other's fur. It's pretty much perfect.

1. Gibbons. The gibbons are the main attraction. They do all the things the snow monkeys do, except they do it EXTREME. Their long arms and super-grip hands make them amazing swingers and climbers. They have perfect balance. And unlike most zoo animals, they're always on. I've never seen them sleeping or taking a break. Apparently being a gibbon is a lot of work, and that work involves constantly patrolling your little piece of the world and putting on an awesome show in the process.

Bagel pricing

2008-09-16T14:53:00.002-05:00

I have good news to report to all my bagel-loving readers.

I have visited Bruegger's Bagelry lately and noticed that they've changed their menu/pricing system. This is a victory for clarity and honesty in the bagel industry.

Before, you'd look at the menu, and it'd say "Bagel, 99 cents" (or some such price, I don't remember exactly what it was). So, you'd go, "99 cents, that's a good deal," and you'd buy a bagel. And then, the employee would be, like, "That'll be $2.19." And you'd be like "Wha? I thought it was 99 cents." Then you'd look at the fine print. A bagel is 99 cents, but a "bagel sandwich" is $1.99, and putting cream cheese on a bagel apparently turns it into a "bagel sandwich."

This annoyed me. Everybody has cream cheese on their bagels. Of course you assume that if the bagel is 99 cents, that includes the cost of a few ounces of cream cheese. That's the standard bagel-preparation method. You don't order a cheeseburger and then find out that ketchup and mustard cost extra. That's just crazy.

As if people are going into Bruegger's, ordering bagels, and bringing their own cream cheese? Preposterous, I tell you. Preposterous! I'm sure some people order them without the cheese, or with different toppings, but cream cheese clearly dominates the bagel world.

Well, at some point in recent months, they've changed it, and now it says bagels with cream cheese are $1.99 (or whatever). They have dropped the "bagel sandwich" B.S. The world has been made right again. Now there is no chance for hurt feelings when purchasing bagels. Unless the clerk is really mean to you. Which is a whole other problem.

Bravo to Bruegger's!

News flash: Cookies are good

2008-09-12T13:15:00.001-05:00

They are especially good with chocolate chips.

A Place Called B.L.O.G.'s achievement award for the day goes to whoever invented chocolate chip cookies.

That is all.

Good day to you.

Guess what, America?

2008-09-09T19:59:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, world leaders get sick or die while they're in office. Even those who are six years younger than John McCain.

Still feeling good about that inexperienced, incompetent, lying, corrupt, Bible-banging, evolution-denying, science-ignoring goofball being Johnny Boy's VP candidate?

Wake up.

Attention America

2008-09-09T19:31:00.002-05:00

Stop being stupid. John McCain and Sarah Palin are losers. Don't vote for them.

I'm glad we got that straightened out. Now, I expect to see some serious changes in the next round of polling.

Thank you.

Sitting on couches

2008-09-09T16:33:00.002-05:00

I have a confession to make. I really, really like sitting on couches.

Couches are so great. They're so comfortable. They're cushiony. They're simply awesome. And it's not just couches — couch-like pieces of furniture such as love seats, extra-wide easy chairs, and chaise lounges are also great. They're so fun to sit on. If I could pick anything to sit on, I'd pick a couch in a heartbeat. Why do you think they have them in psychologists' offices? Because people are happier on couches. If I didn't have a couch, I'd get myself into some mental health treatment just so I could sit on the couch. The psychologist wouldn't even have to be there. I'd pay $180 an hour just to sit on the couch.

I also love to lie on couches. Couches are just the right length to lie on when you're 6 feet tall, like I am. (They must have planned it that way.) Sometimes I even sleep on them. There is nothing as nice as relaxing back on a couch and drifting off for a 15-minute nap.

Today we visited a furniture store, just to browse. it was truly a wonderland of couches. Couches here, couches there. Couches in pea green, couches in brown, couches in light brown, couches in other shades of brown. Couches covered in modern-looking geometric patterns. Leather couches, suede couches, and couches with that regular couch material, whatever that's called. Couches for fancy sitting rooms, couches for rustic log cabins, couches for casual entertaining. So many goddamn couches! Where to start?

We mostly sat on the love seats, because we are thinking of getting one for in front of the fireplace. They were all so comfortable. I just wanted to buy them all and put them in the basement so I could just sit on them all the time. But I didn't.

I guess you could say my love for sitting on couches started when I was a child. My parents had this matching couch/love seat set. It was from the '70s. You could tell it was from the '70s because it looked exactly like everything else that was made in the '70s. I don't even have to describe it and you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, I loved sitting on those couches. One time my brother and I went too far and took to jumping onto the couch. This quickly caused two of the legs to break, after which time one end of the couch was supported by a pair of nailed-together 2-by-4s. When I got my first apartment, my parents gave me the very same couch. I appreciated that. I guess you could say that couch was my first couch-love.

But as first loves usually are, that one was later surpassed. I enjoyed an on-and-off fling with a red sectional couch a few years ago, and that was a lot of fun. Nowadays I'm pretty monogamous with a dark tan/gray (can't really tell which) couch with really nice cushions and good back support. It's sitting in our living room, which we call the sun room. It's really a great couch.

And thus concludes my blog post about couches.

Tips to impress your boss

2008-09-08T11:23:00.004-05:00

Show up to work at least 50 percent of the time.
Show up on time at least 25 percent of the time.
When asked to redo a project, react in a way other than smacking him or her across the face with a glove and challenging him or her to a duel.
During performance reviews, wear a pair of those fake glasses with eyeballs painted on the front to disguise the fact that you are sleeping.
Assure him or her that you've stopped sleeping with his or her spouse. This will win you points for integrity.
Steal only the office supplies that you and your descendants really need, not just things that would be "nice to have."
When wasting time on the Internet at work, always have a separate browser tab open to this list, so you can bring it to the front whenever your boss walks by. This way, your boss will know that it's important to you to impress him or her.
Keeping a well-organized desk is a sign that you respect your workplace. With that in mind, keep your copy of "Embezzlement for Dummies" stored discreetly in a drawer, rather than just lying on your desk.
Always be ready to contribute good ideas during meetings. Examples of good ideas include "Get a new suit, that thing looks like shit," and "How about boosting employee morale by starting a Take Your Drugs to Work Day?"
When your boss asks to use a Kleenex from the box on your desk, make sure it's clear that he or she is only borrowing it. If the expectations aren't clear, there could be an awkward moment when you go to his or her office to ask for it back.

Blogging about something other than that insipid sack of feces John McCain

2008-09-08T09:21:00.004-05:00

Hey, everybody! Good morning! Happy Monday!

Guess what! There are other things in the world besides the presidential race! Did you know that? It's true! (I didn't believe it either, but then I did some investigation, and I discovered things such as bagels, pants, and spiral notebooks, none of which seem to have any relationship to the presidential contest.)

For instance, there's this: It's fall! Have you noticed? There are, like, leaves falling all over the place, and it's not hot anymore. Two sure signs of fall, if I've ever seen them! Also, school is back in session, which is great, because I really missed waiting in a long line of cars backed up behind a school bus stopped on a busy road while kids slowly make their way over to the doors. I swear, those kids are doing it intentionally. They know that if I arrive at my destination 30 seconds later, it will throw off my whole day.

Also, there's this: Football season is underway! Yeah! Football! FOOTball! The Vikings are playing the Packers, or something. (I wonder if the "tundra" at Lambeau Field is frozen yet?) Go Vikings! I can't wait to spend the next five months hearing nonstop about the third-string free safety's chances of moving up to second-string, the requisite quarterback controversy, and the inevitable arrest of the entire offensive line after a highly embarrassing incident at a high-bucks strip club! Go Vikings!

Another thing: Food! It's delicious. The lovely R has been outdoing herself, hauling home loads of stuff from the farmer's market and then waving a magic wand (or spending hours in the kitchen, I'm not sure which) and turning it all into jars upon jars of delicious pickles, salsa, pasta sauce, and other delights. She's really good at it. I know it's kind of lame and outdated for a man to be raving about his wife's culinary skills, but damn, she's a machine. For the record, she also has lots of modern-woman skills, like running a business, having opinions of her own, and being highly educated.

Last but not least: Movies! We watched an oldie but a goodie, In the Name of the Father, last night. It's the true story of a guy from Northern Ireland who was falsely accused of a deadly IRA bombing in London, then arrested and basically tortured into signing a confession, which was then used to implicate his entire family. He was sent off to prison along with his father. Only after 15 years in the clink, after his father had died, was he exonerated, along with his family and his three "accomplices." Basically, this is a story of how the British government abused its expanded powers under the "suppression of terrorism act" (sound familiar?) and used "enhanced interrogation techniques" (sound familiar?) to get a bogus confession and put a nervous, fearful public at ease (sound familiar?). I couldn't help but notice the parallels to the direction this country is going. All the more reason to do everything we can to stop John McCain and friends, who would continue the abuses of civil liberties perpetrated by the Bush administration.

Dang! I almost made it all the way through.

That cute little Sarah Palin

2008-09-07T10:13:00.003-05:00

Oh, isn't she just darling? She's America's sweetheart. And why not, when she says things like this?

“So Sambo beat the bitch!”

This is how Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin described Barack Obama’s win over Hillary Clinton to political colleagues in a restaurant a few days after Obama locked up the Democratic Party presidential nomination.

According to Lucille, the waitress serving her table at the time and who asked that her last name not be used, Gov. Palin was eating lunch with five or six people when the subject of the Democrat’s primary battle came up. The governor, seemingly not caring that people at nearby tables would likely hear her, uttered the slur and then laughed loudly as her meal mates joined in appreciatively.

“It was kind of disgusting,” Lucille, who is part Aboriginal, said in a phone interview after admitting that she is frightened of being discovered telling folks in the “lower 48” about life near the North Pole.

So, let's see here ... she is: A racist, a jerk, a shameless ideologue, a creationist who opposes effective science education, a global warming denier, and a bald-faced liar. (As this helpful link shows, she has lied about opposing earmarks, lied about opposing the "bridge to nowhere," lied about selling the ex-governor's plane on eBay, and lied about "taking on" corrupt Sen. Ted Stevens, who she actively worked to get reelected.) And I haven't even mentioned "Troopergate."

To top it off, when she was elected mayor of her small Alaska town — largely by running a negative campaign against her opponent and injecting abortion, guns and religion into the race, classic Karl Rove tactics — one of the first things she did was ask the town librarian how to go about banning books, and then threatened to fire her because she didn't cooperate.

And then there's the matter of her having so little expertise on national and international issues that the McCain campaign won't dare send her out in public without a teleprompter. I think it should be obvious to anybody with a cerebral cortex that she's the worst candidate on a national presidential ticket since ... well, ever. (It was tempting to say she's the worst since George W. Bush, but even he was more qualified than she is.)

Is anybody really comfortable with her being the next Dick Cheney? Or, heaven forbid, comfortable with the possibility that Old Man McCain will have a stroke in 2010 and leave her in charge of the place?

The ultimate question: What does it say about John McCain's judgment that he picked somebody so breathtakingly unqualified for the job?

To quote the mighty Walter Sobchak: "Has the whole world gone crazy?!?"

Reacting to the headlines

2008-09-05T13:01:00.003-05:00

Headline: "Poll: Palin more popular than Obama or McCain"

Reaction: God, people are stupid. This popularity of hers comes from ... where? That speech full of bitterness, bile, and conservative boilerplate — every word of it written by campaign operatives — delivered in front of an adoring audience of loonies? Her monumental 20 months of experience as a governor of a state where nobody lives and which nobody in the lower 48 ever thinks about unless they're debating drilling in ANWR? Her tabloid-ready pregnancy drama? What a bunch of bullshit. She's a nobody. And, if there's any luck or justice, it will stay that way.

Headline: McCain and Obama struggle for mantle of "change"

Reaction: Gee, I wonder which one has a legitimate claim to this. Is it the guy who kneels down to the same Republican leaders who got us into this mess — the guy who has promised to continue the same disastrous policies, almost without exception, if elected? The only "change" associated with John McCain is the fact that he's changed all of his formerly "maverick" positions to get into total lockstep with the neo-conmen who've taken the reins of his party. The man is a joke. Or would it be Obama, the man who actually has new ideas, actually has principles, intellectual curiosity and an open mind, actually has experience working to change people's lives for the better? McCain trying to appeal to "change" voters is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. (Well, at least the stupidest since the last headline.)

Headline: Jobless rate jumps to 5-year high of 6.1 percent

Reaction: If you want more of these kinds of headlines, only worse, by all means, vote for John McStain and his failed ideas. Since he admittedly knows next to nothing about the economy, and barely uttered a word about it during his speech last night, he'll probably put somebody like Phil Gramm in charge of economic policy. You know, Phil Gramm, the guy who said the economic slowdown is all in our heads and we're "a nation of whiners." Yeah, that sounds great.

A little balance

2008-09-03T11:33:00.004-05:00

I've been writing about politics a fair amount lately. Since my blog is so huge and influential, this sudden turn toward discussion of the presidential campaigns has raised eyebrows among the country's powerful elite class.

Certain members of this ruling class have had their representatives contact me in recent days. (These people never do anything themselves; they always hire somebody to do it for them.) They asked politely if I would consider providing some space on this blog for a countering viewpoint. I said no, I would not consider that. Then they called back and asked in a not-so-nice way. They said that if I did not agree, I'd be subjected to a smear campaign of epic proportions, and that neither myself nor my family and friends would be spared from months of public humiliation, and even though two-thirds of it would be made up and the other third would be wildly exaggerated, the people would believe it anyway, and by the end of it I'd be jobless and penniless, and good patriotic Americans would be lining up to spit in my face, and charging them a quarter apiece for the opportunity to do so would be my only employment opportunity, seeing as nobody would hire somebody whose reputation had been so thoroughly sullied. (This is what the powerful elites always say when somebody crosses them.)

So, today, for the first time, I'm going to allow for an editorial counterpoint. Our special guest blogger is a man handpicked by the ruling elite, a man who embodies good old fashioned American values. His name is Ed Renley, he lives in a small town, he drives a battered old pickup truck, and he flies his American flag every day. He supports our troops, he supports our president, and he doesn't take no guff from no lib'ruls. And he knows that Fox News is the only media source you can trust these days. So, without any further ado, I present Ed's first counterpoint:

Hello, blog readers. I'm Ed Renley. First off, I'd just like to say how appalled I am that you can't get good raspberries at the store anymore. When I was a boy we had the nicest, juiciest raspberries you ever saw. Then that lib'rul Jimmy Carter got elected, and that was the end of that.

Anyway, I see that the author of this blog has been pushing the socialist, anti-American, anti-raspberry agenda of the Democrat Party for the past few months, and I just want to take this moment to give you the real straight story, without any of that bothersome logic or nuance you damn lib'ruls are so fond of.

First off, you bastards had better lay off Sarah Palin. By God, she's a good, patriotic, family-loving, gun-loving American. She may not have gone to one of your fancy, accredited Ivy League colleges, or ever been in a city with a population over 50,000, but she's spent nearly 18 years as the administrator of a good-old American family, with lots of kids, none of whom were aborted. Her state may have half the population of Rhode Island, and she may have been governor for less time than that half-empty jar of pickles has been in my refrigerator, but she's an up-and-comer, the kind who looks the political establishment right in the eye and, after taking $27 million in earmarks from the establishment, and using the establishment to try to get her ex-brother-in-law fired, says "Screw you, establishment! (Until the next time I need you for something.)" That's a leader with integrity!

Now, compare that to Barack Hussein Obama. He was a damn lib'rul state legislator in one of our most populous "blue" states for eight years, then ran for U.S. Senate, and has served there for four years. You know dang well you can't trust anybody from one of those blue states. Eight years of making "serious" public policy in an urban state with the same problems seen throughout the urban areas of this country, and then building a reputation as a "smart" and "effective" Senator, and then getting tens of millions of "votes" from people who "want" you to be president, is no kind of qualification compared to a few years as a small town mayor and 20 months as governor of a state where they identify with real Americans' problems, such as where to put all the reindeer carcasses from your latest hunting trip, and what to do with all that oil money that's flooding the public coffers. Plus, that Obama, everybody knows he's just a damn Muslim traitor. His middle name is Hussein, for God's sake!

John McCain and Sarah Palin are true American heroes. How does somebody become a hero, you ask? I'll tell you, you stinking lib'rul: You become a hero when people keep saying you're a hero. And I've been saying McCain is a hero ever since seven and a half years ago, when all chance of him beating George W. Bush for president had passed. People say John McCain is a hero all the time. So, clearly, he's a hero. I don't hear anybody calling Barack Hussein Obama a hero. We need a hero for president! Heroes do things the American way. They don't waste time sitting around thinking things through or figuring out whether the country they're bombing really deserves it. They just act, decisively, and honorably! And a real hero knows that Thomas Jefferson would be rolling in his grave if he knew that queer folk right here in the U.S.A. are getting all uppity and trying to have the same rights as other humans. There's no way the founding fathers were in favor of equality for all people, no matter what all those letters and writings and declarations say.

Now, I need to go watch Bill O'Reilly and then tune in for Sarah Palin's speech. Damn, that Sarah Palin, I didn't know her from Eve five days ago, but that woman brings a tear to my eye. She's so dear to my heart. She's a real American hero.

I am returned

2008-09-02T20:34:00.003-05:00

Here's what I've been up to lately:

Went to the State Fair. It was a great experience in all ways but one: Where were the dozens of lame slogan T-shirts I've come to expect? I only saw a couple. You can do better than that, Minnesota! (And by better, I mean worse.) But seriously, it was fun. I ate: A Scotch egg (hardboiled egg wrapped in sausage and batter-fried), hotdish on a stick (meatballs and Tater Tots on a stick, batter-fried, served with a side of cream of mushroom soup), Australian battered potatoes (potatoes being the best food ever), some cotton candy (because the kids wanted it), and some Sweet Martha's cookies (of course). I kind of wish I'd eaten more. In more important news, it was the first time all four of us went to the Fair together. I'm sure it won't be the last.

Installed a new roosting shelf in the chicken coop. The chickens like to put themselves to bed at night. It's really cute. I'll go out there to close the gate and they'll already be in their henhouse, all lined up and ready to retire for the evening. Two of them always sit on a bale of hay, and the other three have been roosting on top of this plastic container that holds some of their food. It never stops being a delight to me. Problem is, they poop all over the food container, and that's just gross, because I need to get in that container. I know that having barnyard animals involves a certain degree of interaction with animal poop — it just goes with the territory. But I'd like to avoid it if I can. So I put a shelf over the place where the container sits. And now they poop all over the shelf.

Went out to breakfast. We seem to be going out to breakfast more lately. The last two times, it's been to the St. Clair Broiler. I may have been a tad dismissive of that place in the past, thinking it was just a run-of-the-mill diner, but upon further review I deem it to be a very good place to get breakfast. Last time I had a Greek omelet. I am not much of an omelet person, but this one was fantastic. Here is a rule of thumb: Put feta cheese on anything, and it becomes good.

Put up some play structures in the basement. The kids had been having a blast wedging themselves into a doorway near the kitchen and then shimmying their way up, as kids are known to do. It was OK, except that after a few weeks, the wall where they were doing it turned into one big, grey smear of dirt and grime. I was given a mandate: Give those kids something to climb on in the basement. So I drilled some holes in the ceiling, put up some hooks, bought some stuff at the hardware store, and made some things for them to climb and hang on. Turns out I'm no match for Ikea, though, which has gymnastic rings and swings you can buy that are meant to be used indoors. So we picked those up and, after a few adaptations, hung them up. The kids now spend most of their time down there, swinging. It's funny. Swings are never this fun when we actually go to the park. But now that one's in the basement, they can't get enough.

Argued with my mom via e-mail. Ever get into a political argument with your mom? My advice: Don't. Especially if your mom is my mom. It's like beating your head against a wall. Except it hurts more.

Cleaned out the garage. There was a lot of stuff in the garage. A lot of it had to go. So we loaded it up into a borrowed truck (thanks, JT) and I drove it down to the landfill, which I had trouble finding but eventually located (thanks again, JT). The fun part of the landfill is getting to throw all your stuff off the truck and into the piles of junk. It is a rare occasion when you get to throw crap around like that. It's something you should enjoy while you can, whether it's at the landfill or during an RNC protest march in downtown St. Paul.

And that's what I've been up to lately. Aren't you glad I'm back?

A Place Called B.L.O.G. Mental Health Break 2008

2008-08-29T11:52:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed that I haven't posted much lately. I usually try to get in a post a day, at least on average. Lately, though, I just haven't been feeling it. Most of the time if I were to sit down to blog, I'd end up ranting about politics. This is not healthy for me and it's not all that entertaining for you. There are lots of other better-informed bloggers out there who can handle all the ranting, and do so in a more reliable and persuasive way than I can.

I think I'm going to make this A Place Called B.L.O.G.'s official Mental Health Break 2008. It's not just the politics thing. It's also just a very busy time. The kids are going back to school, things are changing at work, and there's other stuff going on that is taking up my attention.

I'm sure I'll be back relatively soon. This hiatus will probably last just long enough to break any new readers of the habit of coming here, thus eroding my readership even further and making my goal of being bigger than Amazon.com seem even more unrealistic.

Ways to annoy the Republicans

2008-08-24T21:40:00.003-05:00

They're coming. Let's annoy them. Because they deserve it.

Some ideas:

Sneak into the parking ramps and put Obama stickers on all their cars.
Sneak into the parking ramps and slash their tires.
Walk around without an American flag lapel pin.
Wear a T-shirt that says "Jesus is dead, get over it."
Ask them for some change, and say you need it because you're a typical liberal and you love spending other people's money.
Set up a roadside stand with a sign that says "free Bibles," and when they stop to get one, kick them in the shins and tell them to leave town.
For one day, withhold your support for the troops.
Say to one of them, "Hey, I think the Iraq war was a really good idea." And when they say "Really?" say "No, I was just fooling you, you stupid Republican."
Stand at the airport all day with a sign that says "Welcome back, Larry Craig."
Get a large refrigerator box, prop up one end of it with a stick, tie a long string to the stick, place a free Bible under the box, and go hide in some nearby bushes. When a Republican goes for the free Bible, pull the string, yank out the stick, and trap them under the box.
Publicly make out with a person of the same gender, employing as much undulating as possible without being arrested for lewd behavior.
Walk up to one and say "Republicansayswhat?" really fast. And when they say "What?" Say, "Ha! You're a stupid Republican."
Walk down the street loudly and mockingly discussing with your friend which of your seven houses you should sleep at tonight.
Stand on a pile of rubble with a megaphone and say "Hey, look at me, I'm talking through a megaphone. There, I just equaled all the accomplishments of George Bush's eight years as president."
Spend the entire four days thinking for yourself and following the laws of reason and logic. This one really pisses them off.
Walk down the street loudly discussing with a friend how you were very unimpressed by Ronald Reagan's performance in "Bedtime for Bonzo."
Give them all treasure maps and say that if they follow them, they'll get some free Bibles, but really the maps will lead them to a poor neighborhood where they might have to look at brown people.
Hang up a sign in front of your business that says "Republicans welcome," and then when they walk up to come inside, press a button that makes the sign flip over, and the other side says "Republicans NOT welcome," and then laugh at them as they walk away dejectedly.

The latest edition of Jon Talton's best post ever

2008-08-22T13:42:00.003-05:00

I link to Talton so much that you might as well just start subscribing to his blog.

Today: Why the McCain house gaffe matters.

Wonky billboards

2008-08-21T15:06:00.006-05:00

The Republican convention is a-comin', and even if you don't pay attention to the local media coverage or see all the activity around the Xcel Center, there are signs all around. In some cases, literally.

As the billboards in and around downtown St. Paul, and on I-94 between the two downtowns, undergo their monthly changes, I've noticed a trend: Lots of the ones currently on display seem to be targeting the audience of GOP honchos and delegates who are going to be crawling all over the place in just a week or so.

There are the obvious ones — I've seen a couple that actually have the Republican logo and make direct appeals to Republicans. There's another, less obvious class, though, that is also popping up: The wonky billboards. They seem like the kind of messages that are directed squarely at lawmakers and opinion leaders in the political parties, far from the usual beer and radio station pitches you usually see on billboards.

Along I-94, there is one that talks about fixing the healthcare system, one that says "Ethanol is the alternative to oil," and one that sings the praises of "clean coal." Not the kind of things you'd usually see directed at your average Joe commuting home from work. There are also several that talk about the human and financial cost of people being uninsured. And these examples are just the ones I've noticed in the past few days along the few main routes that I drive.

I suppose these messages could be aimed a general audience, but it seems more likely to me that they're intended for the politically active and influential crowd that will be here in high concentration during the convention.

It makes sense; an opportunity to advertise directly to such a large number of people who have loads of influence in a major political party doesn't come along too often, so it shouldn't be surprising that these advocacy groups are taking it.

One strange thing I've also noticed, though: A couple of billboards for Oliver Stone's "W" biopic, starring Josh Brolin as Bush, have appeared as well. At first glance, it might seem that a movie about conservative hero Dubya would appeal to the kind of audience that's going to be here during the convention. However, this is an Oliver Stone film, and it doesn't appear to be a very sympathetic look at the president. Still, it can't be coincidence that those billboards went up right before hordes of Republicans came to town.

Handicapping the VP picks

2008-08-19T18:56:00.004-05:00

The buzz around the vice-presidential picks of Barack Obama and John McCain is growing. It appears that Obama will make his announcement this week, and McCain will probably reveal his pick shortly thereafter.

Thousands of political analysts from coast to coast have tried to read the tea leaves and come up with a short list of contenders. And now it is time for A Place Called B.L.O.G. to join the fray. Using this blog's unmatched inside access to people close to both campaigns*, I will now handicap the race for VP in each party.

*My grandma is probably voting for McCain, and I know a guy who lives in Illinois, which is where Obama is from

Republicans

1. Tim Pawlenty. The Minnesota governor has it all: He is clearly politically popular, seeing how he won almost half the votes in the last gubernatorial election. He may be seen as capable of delivering the key battleground state of Minnesota for McCain. (Sure, the state's voters ignored his McCain endorsement and overwhelmingly went for Mitt Romney in the caucuses, but who's keeping score?) Also in his favor: He successfully avoided "raising taxes" in a literal sense — largely by coming up with different names for the new taxes he implemented. Only one bridge fell down on his watch. And he's got a clean-looking new haircut. Odds: 2-1

2. Mitt Romney. The former Massachusetts governor and admitted cult member is known mostly for his Ken Doll appearance and ability to reformulate his stance on any issue in a world-record 1.25 seconds, which is more than twice as fast as McCain. And, probably most notably, his name is Mitt, which would make him the vice president with the goofiest-sounding name since Spiro Agnew. Odds: 5-2

3. The Joker. The villain from the summer blockbuster "The Dark Knight" has a few problems, to be sure; for one, his merciless killing and promotion of anarchy are sure to turn off the family-values crowd, and he is, after all, a fictional character. However, who better than a fictional character to work alongside McCain and the GOP in the fictional reality they've created for themselves? Plus, he's still not as evil as the last VP. Odds: 10-1

4. John Ashcroft. The former attorney general, whose greatest political accomplishment was losing an election to a dead guy, has been laying low since he left his office in disgrace. He's just the kind of surprise pick that would have the world buzzing about the McCain campaign. Sure, most of the country would recoil in terror, but those trusty social conservatives would be pleased as punch. Odds: 15-1

5. Michele Bachmann. It's long been known that candidates can use their VP pick to downplay their own weaknesses. For instance, some analysts say McCain should pick a running mate who makes him appear less unhinged and maniacal. Bachmann, a first-term U.S. Representative, has spoken of shadowy conspiracies to divide Iraq up and give part of it to Iran, was caught hiding in the bushes spying on a gay-rights rally at the State Capitol, and recently commented that we don't need to save the world from global warming because Jesus already saved the world 2,000 years ago. Yeah, McCain does look pretty sane by comparison. Odds: 50-1

Democrats

1. Joe Biden. The Delaware senator is seen as strong on foreign affairs and he's an experienced statesman who was an early opponent of the Iraq war. Also, he's white, which might convince a few of those Kentucky voters to overlook the fact that Obama isn't. Odds: 4-1

2. Kathleen Sebelius. The popular Democratic governor of largely conservative Kansas fits in nicely with the "new kind of politics" promised by Obama. She'd be the first female vice president, which matches up well with Obama as the first nonwhite president. The main downside is that Americans may be tired of the Sebelius dynasty dominating American politics; along with the Kennedys, the Clintons and the Bushes, the storied Sebelius clan has been among the most high-profile political families of the past 50 years. Odds: 6-1

3. Tim Kaine. The governor of Virginia, who is also helpfully white, could help shore up Obama's Christian credentials. He's spoken frankly about the role of his faith in his public life. After eight years of a president whose faith played absolutely no role in his decision-making, America may be ready for a strong Bible-thumping ticket. Also, for people who fear that Obama is a Muslim, this will help assure them that he's not a follower of a religion that sometimes marginalizes women, often treats gay people as subhuman, and inspires some of its adherents to blow up buses in the name a magical sky father named Allah. Rather, he's a follower of a religion that sometimes marginalizes women, often treats gay people as subhuman, and inspires some of its adherents to blow up abortion clinics in the name of a magical sky father named Jesus. Odds: 9-1.

4. Michael Phelps. Unlike the other candidates on either list, he's a household name who's admired by millions of Americans. Odds: 20-1.

5. Hillary Clinton. Obama's bitter rival in the primary could become his most important ally. Clinton followers still disappointed about her defeat might be re-galvanized to get out and vote for the Democratic ticket. And having her around the White House for four to eight more years would help stimulate the economy, as it would provide plenty of work for hundreds of right-wing radio hosts who, without a Clinton to demonize, might have found themselves in the unemployment line. Odds: 30-1

Excerpts from my rejected pilot for the new Knight Rider series

2008-08-18T20:45:00.002-05:00

(Michael Knight, in K.I.T.T., speeds down a country road, in hot pursuit of a van, which swerves wildly to avoid wayward cows and farmers driving tractors along the shoulder.)

Michael Knight: "Deploy the missile blasters, K.I.T.T.! It's time to take these smugglers out for good!"
K.I.T.T.: "Michael, do you realize we're going 97.5 miles per hour? EPA statistics show that most vehicles get optimum gas mileage at 60 miles per hour. You're being very wasteful, Michael."
Michael Knight: "Never mind that! We've got them in our sights! Where's the manual override button on this thing?"
K.I.T.T.: "Sorry, Michael, but there is no manual override button for your responsibility to the planet. We're slowing down to a more sensible speed, mister."

* * * * *

(Michael Knight, in K.I.T.T., speeds down a busy city street, in hot pursuit of a van, which swerves wildly to avoid street vendors and terrified pedestrians.)

Michael Knight: "It's too crowded to use the missiles safely. K.I.T.T., deploy the gamma ray blaster!"
K.I.T.T.: "Oops, we just crossed 3,000 miles since our last oil change, Michael. We need to find the nearest Valvoline station immediately. Abort mission."
Michael Knight: "But, the gamma rays! We'll blast their engine, disable the van, and finally get those smugglers!"
K.I.T.T.: "Michael, routine maintenance is crucial to keeping your car running smoothly. There is no excuse for putting it off. You'll thank me when I'm at 250,000 miles and still going strong. Abort mission!"

* * * * *

(Michael Knight, in K.I.T.T., speeds down a dark alleyway, in hot pursuit of a van, which swerves wildly to avoid garbage cans and junkies sleeping on chunks of cardboard.)

Michael Knight: "K.I.T.T., kill the headlights and deploy the night-vision sensors! This is the perfect situation to use our technological advantage and finally catch those smugglers!"
K.I.T.T.: "Michael, I really didn't like the way you slammed the door when you got inside. You shouldn't treat me like that. I can tell you're mad. We need to talk this out."
Michael Knight: "Why the hell are you bringing this up now? Come on, you stupid car, you're supposed to do what I say!"
K.I.T.T.: "Stupid car? Stupid car? How dare you, after all we've been through together! I'm pulling over. Get out! Get out, you son of a bitch!"

* * * * *

(Michael Knight, in K.I.T.T., speeds through a crowded shopping mall, in hot pursuit of a van, which swerves wildly to avoid beauty kiosks and teenagers carrying Abercombie & Fitch bags.)

Michael Knight: "K.I.T.T., deploy the chopper blades and rocket boosters! We'll soar over the crowd, catch up to the van, and put those smugglers out of commission!"
K.I.T.T.: "Michael, the chopper blades have not been fully tested. This is a risky move. I have to register my protest."
Michael Knight: "Fine, your protest has been noted. Now, do it!"
K.I.T.T.: "You're kind of reckless, Michael. You're dangerous."
Michael Knight: "Look, just do it! They're going to get away again!"
K.I.T.T.: "You're a bad boy, Michael Knight."
Michael Knight: "Are you ... are you coming on to me?"
K.I.T.T.: "Michael, I know you've felt it too. I see the way you caress my leather seats and admire my smooth curves."
Michael Knight: "I'm not supposed to talk to you about this. My therapist said not to."

Chains we should/shouldn't have here

2008-08-17T13:01:00.005-05:00

Recently much has been made of the arrival of two national fast-food chains that weren't here before. A few weeks ago, Minnesota's first Sonic opened in St. Paul, followed by locations in Elk River and, soon, Savage. This was met with lots of fanfare and long lines. Are burgers supposed to taste better if you sit in your car and eat them? I dunno. Then, more recently, we learned that the long-lost Dunkin' Donuts chain was going to resurface in Minnesota. Transplants from all over the country have wondered for years why there is no Dunkin' Donuts here. Well, soon, we'll be just as capable of getting you fat on fried dough-rings as the next city. Start rewriting those "Best Places to Live" rankings right now, 'cause we're moving up!

Today for some reason I was wondering what other chains we should have here. An offshoot of this question is what chains exist in other places that I'd just as soon pass on. Because this is the kind of thing I do, I will now reflect on these important questions.

Restaurant chains we should have here:

In-N-Out Burger. I have never eaten an In-N-Out burger, but they are legendary. Everyone I've met who's had one has raved about them. My sister recently returned from a year living in California and she said they were delicious. See, when I want a burger, I want it to be a really good burger. McDonald's, Burger King, Hardee's, Wendy's and White Castle just don't cut it. Yet I don't always want to have to sit down at a better place, such as the Lions Taps or the Matt's Bars or even the Fuddruckerses of the world. On the rare occasion that a burger on the go is necessary, it would be nice to be able to get a really good one.

Popeye's. OK, Minnesota has one Popeye's. But that's simply not going to cut it in a state of nearly 5 million people. Ohio has 49 (one for every 227,665 residents). California has 144 (one for every 244,991). Even Wisconsin has 13 (one for every 413,519) and Delaware has 5 (one for every 163,717). People have been talking up the Popeye's to me for a long time now, and last night I finally had one of their biscuits for the first time. Suffice it to say, we need more Popeye's biscuit availability in this state.

Now, based on what I've seen, there are also some chains out there that we don't need. Here's my take on a couple:

Chick-Fil-A: Mostly, I just think this is the most ridiculously named restaurant in the United States. Why did they think a strange modified phonetic spelling of "chicken fillet" would be a good name for a restaurant? I don't get it. Also, I've been there a few times when I've traveled and it's nothing to write home about. Nothing you can't already get at KFC (or Popeye's for that matter).

Jack In the Box: This chain would be redundant here. We already have lots of standard burgers-and-fries places, as noted above.

Waffle Houses: I've always been amazed by the easy availability of waffles in other states, Florida in particular. You can't drive 5 minutes without encountering a waffle house. I like a good waffle as much as anybody, but there are plenty of places to get them, and I don't feel the need to have access to an eatery built around waffles. It's just too specific of a food niche and does not require its own restaurant. I don't see people clamoring for Hash Brown Palaces and Cole Slaw Huts.

Things I should be able to buy on Sundays

2008-08-17T10:57:00.002-05:00

Liquor
Cars
Break-dancing robots

Hard-hitting news analysis and commentary

2008-08-16T13:31:00.003-05:00

And now it's time for some hard-hitting news analysis and commentary. Let us review the week's big stories and analyze them in a razor-sharp, pull-no-punches style. I hear this kind of thing works really well for those talking-head people on the teevee, so I'm hoping it translates well into blog form.

First, we have the completely unsurprising revelations about China's totally fake opening ceremonies. Half the fireworks were CGI, the kid who sang the song was lip-syncing, and all the children in the photos — who were supposed to represent the different ethnic groups of China — were of the same (dominant) ethnic group. So, this is how China gets ahead: They lie and cheat. Dang commies. Can't trust 'em. Never could. And now, thanks to this paragraph, my blog will be soon be blocked by the Chinese government. To all my Chinese readers: Sorry. It was fun while it lasted. (Also: Rise up and revolt against your government oppressors!)

Next, we have the news from Georgia. The president of Georgia was dumb/suicidal enough to attack a Russian-occupied territory and think he might get away with it because Putin was distracted by the Olympics. Um ... yeah. In reality, Russia noticed, and they barely broke a sweat taking over half of Georgia in two days. Dear President of Georgia: The tens of thousands of your citizens who are now displaced (or worse) would like to thank you very much for that wise leadership. And there's President Bush and Candidate McCain, issuing stern warnings to Russia. "We don't do this kind of thing. It's the 21st Century. It's not right to invade other countries." Near as I can tell, neither of them noticed the irony. Apparently it's not OK to invade other countries when they actually send their army into territory you control. But it would have been OK for Russia to spend six months fabricating evidence about how Georgia planned to someday invade their territory, and then go after them. OK, guys, thanks for that enlightening lesson in neocon world diplomacy. If McCain wins, I'm moving to Chile. (Not because I particularly want to live in Chile, but because the whole "moving to Canada" threat is so overdone.)

Also, a school district in Texas wants to let teachers and staff members carry guns to protect them against school shootings. First reaction: Can we please give Texas to Mexico? Second reaction: I can totally see how giving everybody guns is a much better solution than actually trying to solve the deep-rooted societal problems that cause things like school shootings. Very forward-thinking. Third reaction: Supposedly these people think that guns are totally fine as long as the "good guys" have them. Well, friends, not always. Fourth reaction: Isn't a kid about 1,000 times more likely to die in a car crash, or in a pool drowning, or even at the hands of their own abusive parent, than in a school shooting? Maybe you fools should spend more time on seat belt enforcement, or pool safety classes, or child-abuse prevention, instead of going all Wild West. But, no. In the mind of these kinds of people, it's all simple, black-and-white, and fear-based. Not shocking that this is the same state that gave us that disgrace in the Oval Office.

And finally, a couple of bubbas claim they found a Bigfoot corpse in northern Georgia. They won't show it to us. They won't tell us where they found it. They won't let scientists examine it. But for $500 a pop, they'll take you on a Bigfoot-hunting expedition. I'm trying to figure out who has less credibility: These Bigfoot guys, or that morally bankrupt huckster McCain.

Hooray for coffee

2008-08-15T14:48:00.002-05:00

Believe it or not (whichever you want, I don't care), there was a time when I didn't drink much coffee.

There was a time when I only drank it a couple times a year, and then only grudgingly and with as much cream and sugar as there was coffee.

Back then, I'd get a cup and then pour lots of cream in, then stir in a few spoonfuls of sugar. There might have been something resembling coffee flavor underneath the sweet creaminess, but there couldn't have been much.

These days I've rolled back the cream and sugar and ramped up the coffee consumption exponentially. And now, I do it differently: I like to put the sugar in first, then the cream, and then stir it up into a sweet, creamy slurry before pouring in the coffee. I think it tastes better when I do it that way.

Aren't you glad you checked my blog today? Mostly I just wrote this post because I wanted to use the word "slurry." It's a great word.

Other things I could do to spite my face

2008-08-12T21:00:00.002-05:00

Poke out my eyes
Stab myself in the chin
Puncture my cheeks with a hole punch
Run over my tongue with a truck
Take a belt sander to my forehead

An interview with the champion swimmers

2008-08-11T10:29:00.002-05:00

Poolside correspondent: That was amazing, you guys. You shattered the world record. This must feel great for you.
Swimmer #1: Yeah, it does. It does feel great for us.
Swimmer #2: I concur.
Poolside correspondent: Tell me about the keys to this relay.
Swimmer #3: I think the key was that we swam really fast.
Swimmer #4: Yes, definitely, the key was that we swam fast. Faster than usual, even.
Swimmer #2: I concur.
Poolside correspondent: What was the turning point of this race?
Swimmer #3: I think it was the part when I decided that I should try to swim faster.
Swimmer #1: I agree. I think it was really a turning point when we all decided to swim as fast as we could.
Swimmer #2: I concur.
Poolside correspondent: Let's look at the replay. You can see here that you are pulling away from the other swimmer as you enter the home stretch. Tell me about that. What were you thinking at this point in the race?
Swimmer #4: Well, I was just trying to swim as fast as I could. I was thinking, "I can't slow down. I need to keep swimming fast. If I don't swim fast enough, I might lose."
Swimmer #3: I think that's what all of us were thinking.
Poolside correspondent: I noticed that the rest of you were really cheering him on as he entered that last portion of the race. What were you saying?
Swimmer #1: I was yelling "Swim fast! Swim really fast!"
Swimmer #3: I was yelling something similar. It might have been "You should swim super fast!"
Swimmer #2: And when he said that, I yelled "I concur!"
Poolside correspondent: I understand the four of you have been swimming really fast for many years now, and you hope to do so again at other events here at the Olympics.
Swimmer #1: Oh, yes. Swimming fast is a passion of ours. And we hope to swim fast some more here in Beijing.
Swimmer #4: Faster than the other swimmers.
Swimmer #3: That's right. We take pride in our ability to swim fast and we are far from done doing so.
Swimmer #2: I concur.
Poolside correspondent: Thanks, and congratulations.

Required reading

2008-08-11T09:23:00.002-05:00

This, of course, comes from Jon Talton. In "Why America Slept, 2008 Edition," he writes about how the war in Iraq, the Bush administration's incompetence, Americans' ignorance, and Russia's situation have put us in a dangerous position.

Talton is a master at pointing out how badly we've gone astray, but more importantly he's great at articulating the disastrous consequences. If you can read his columns and not feel afraid about the future, you're a stronger person than I am.

Birthday, birthday, birthday

2008-08-10T13:32:00.002-05:00

It's birthday time! That's right, birthday time. Today is my birthday and yesterday was R's. Happy birthday to us! This is the fourth year we've been together for the birthdays, and it's pretty much been melded into one big 48-hour birthday thing that we do. It's actually pretty cool.

She was born 364 days after I was, so her birthday is the one day each year that we are the same age. That was cool while it lasted.

Birthday time is fun.

Bands I just don't get

2008-08-09T13:57:00.002-05:00

I've spent much of the past few years making a concerted effort to expand my musical horizons. In the course of doing so, I've checked out hundreds of groups that I'd heard about in one way or another, sifting through for the good ones. It's been a rewarding experience and I've discovered dozens of albums that have become favorites.

At the same time, I've also followed the advice of critics, DJs, friends and Amazon reviewers into some territory that I found inhospitable. I can usually tell pretty easily whether I'm going to hate something, so that kind of stuff never even gets more than passing attention from me. But there have also been times when I've listened to bands that, based on everything I know, I should like. It looks like a good match on paper. The only problem ends up being that I just don't like their music.

And now, I shall list for you some of these bands.

The New Pornographers: People talk about them like they're indie-rock royalty. They show up on all kinds of best-of lists and get lots of radio buzz. It's apparently an event when they come to town. But for the life of me, I just don't get it. Something about their sound just grates on me. They're too straightforward. Too poppy. Too Traveling Wilburys. I feel like their music is just a couple of degrees away from the Friends theme song.

The Decemberists: I like They Might Be Giants. I can get into the geeky music thing. I like proggish indie rock. I enjoy literate songwriting. Yet I just can't get into this band. Part of it is the guy's voice and delivery. It's just not a sound that I consider to be pleasant in any way. And geeky is one thing, but this band's teenage soap opera song-stories are just too over-the-top.

Low: Nap time.

Yo La Tengo: Another band that some people revere, but they just haven't gotten any traction with me. Much of what they do just screams "cutesy." Sometimes I can't tell if they belong on the Current or Sesame Street. I might be able to forgive that, but much of the rest of it just seems boring. Maybe I still need to give them more chances, but so far they're just not my thing.

Oasis: What the hell is a "wonderwall," anyway? These guys always seemed to me like they wanted to have the Beatles' lifestyle and place in pop culture (and most of their discography) but lacked one important element: Anything resembling the Beatles' talent.

The Hold Steady: I actually like this band OK, as long as I can limit my exposure to 10 minutes or less. After that, I've had enough. Yeah, they're good, but I just can't go along with this "greatest band going" thing. I know they're supposed to be awesome live, but that's not how I typically listen to them. A lot of people hate the way the singer just kind of sing-talks his way through the songs, but that doesn't bug me; I like Art Brut, Why? and BARR, after all. I guess the classic-rock sound is a little overdone for me.

A Place Called B.L.O.G.'s 700th post

2008-08-07T20:14:00.004-05:00

It's time for a fest-stravaganza here at A Place Called B.L.O.G. as we cross the 700 post milestone. Come along with us as we look back, look forward, and occasionally look from side to side as we highlight the brilliance of the blog that has changed all of our lives in such profound ways.

From the very start, A Place Called B.L.O.G. worked across party lines to heal the divisions in our country and establish a reputation as a uniter, not a divider. Then we threw that out the window and had a lot of fun bashing Republicans and other mentally questionable people. We made fun of them. We mocked them. We used a variety of nouns and adjectives not spoken in polite society to describe them. It was fun.

A Place Called B.L.O.G. has always been your No. 1 source for excruciating minutiae. If I ate it for breakfast or saw it on a billboard, you were almost guaranteed to read about it here. You laughed. You stared at your computer stoically, wondering what was supposed to be funny. Or you nodded your head knowingly, wondering why more blogs don't offer such telling and true insights into everyday 21st Century existence.

Occasionally, this blog has been a window into the life of a regular guy just trying to find his way in this crazy world, and who is not afraid to fall back on time-tested cliches, such as "just trying to find his way in this crazy world," to describe it. This blog has been going for a couple of years, and in that time a lot has happened. I've gone from a tortured and isolated single parent living in a stuffy attic apartment the size of a refrigerator box to a joyfully married and relatively stable man with an awesome new family and an ever-improving situation. And I'm now the proud step-owner of five awesome chickens: Henny, Nona, Puffball, Sunny and Twiggy.

And of course we at A Place Called B.L.O.G. have always held a special place in our hearts for some pet subjects of varying degrees of frivolity, including burritos, song lyrics, slogan T-shirts, grammar, movies, SuperAmerica, and, last as well as least, Toby Keith. As a symbol of just about everything that's messed up about music, manhood and America in general, Mr. Keith has been the perfect foil since I was first inspired to blog about him by a K102 billboard in downtown Minneapolis.

We have also occasionally lapsed into use of the pronoun "we" when there is really just one of us. As a great prophet once explained, it's the royal we, the editorial we.

I never thought I'd make it to 700 posts when I started this humble blog, but here we are, and I'd wager that a good 5 to 10 percent of those 700 posts are actually worth remembering. I've been writing about whatever pops into my head for over two years now, and it's become something I just do, some days better than others. I still don't quite have a handle on exactly what, if anything, I think this blog is supposed to be about, or who I intend as its audience (as evidenced by the scattershot nature of the topics covered in this post). But whatever it is, I think I like it, and I think I'll keep doing it. Thanks for reading.

Toby Keith apologizes for missing the book club meeting

2008-08-06T21:12:00.004-05:00

Toby Keith would like to offer a heartfelt apology. He intended to make it to the book club meeting on Tuesday, and he was all ready to discuss that book Oprah recommended, but he had other urgent matters to attend to. What can Toby Keith say? Some of the steers broke down the fence, and there was cattle ropin' to be done.

Toby Keith hopes that everybody had a good discussion without him. He even wonders if maybe y'all were better off without him. Last month's discussion of "Slaughterhouse-Five" didn't go all that well, and Toby Keith could tell the other members were getting pretty annoyed with Toby Keith for constantly asking "But what does he mean, 'So it goes'?" Seriously, Toby Keith only made it through 20 pages of the thing, and he swears two-thirds of it was "So it goes." What kind of book is that?

Maybe Toby Keith isn't really cut out for this book club thing. It wasn't his idea anyway. His handlers have been telling him that it's really important to appeal to the literate crowd nowadays, and that maybe it wouldn't hurt to show the world that Toby Keith can flex his brain muscles just as well as he can flex those arms of his, those arms America just loves to see sticking out of his sleeveless button-down shirts.

But Toby Keith just isn't sold on the idea. Toby Keith is a man of the people. Not educated people, not thoughtful people — we're talking real people, the kind of people who love good old American country music. (Some of them also love Toby Keith's music.)

Aw, the hell with it. Toby Keith wants you to know that he didn't even open that Oprah book a single time. All he had to do was see the picture on the front, and that was enough. Toby Keith didn't really have any cattle to go ropin' during the book club meeting. In fact, he doesn't even own any cattle, or live on ranch. Toby Keith just skipped the damn meeting, OK? Toby Keith is a man. He doesn't want to spend his time sitting around with women, talking about some book that don't even make any sense. The only book Toby Keith needs is the book of hard knocks. Which is the official textbook of the school of hard knocks. Of which Toby Keith is a proud graduate. And guess what? There is no book! You don't need no books when you go to the school of hard knocks! Toby Keith doesn't need no book-learnin' to put a boot in your ass, does he? Hell no!

Toby Keith wants you to know that he's a real American, and the real America doesn't have nothing to do with books. The real America is all about whiskey, and cowboy hats, and women who don't talk too much, and button-down shirts with the sleeves cut off.

Well, it's a relief to Toby Keith that this book stuff is all out in the open. He really wasn't looking forward to reading that Brokeback Mountain thing for next month. Don't you know that it's about a couple of fairies! And worse than that, they're supposed to be cowboys! What is wrong with you people?

I don't know about you ...

2008-08-06T11:54:00.002-05:00

But I will sleep better tonight knowing that Osama bin Laden's driver has been convicted. Whew. Thank god! How will the terrorists get to my house to slit my throat if they don't have anybody to chauffeur them around? This will surely strike a crippling blow to terrorist organizations everywhere.

Thank you, Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney, for taking my security so seriously and getting this dangerous man off the streets. I hear that in addition to supporting terrorism, he often rolled through stop signs and traveled at speeds up to 15 mph over the posted speed limit. He was a menace! A menace, I tell you!

Where can I get me some synergies?

2008-08-05T19:05:00.003-05:00

There must be some way for me to get my hands on some synergies. I keep hearing about how great they are. I want some.

It's all the CEOs and CFOs and COOs are talking about these days: How they're really optimistic about their new synergies and how much they'll help the company. How the outlook was bleak, but now they've got some new synergies that will really turn things around. How any company that wants to compete in today's world economy had better have plenty of synergies. They talk about these synergies as if they're really the cat's pajamas. And the poor bastards who don't have synergies are always looking for them. "We need to find synergies," they'll say.

Clearly, synergies are in high demand.

Well, anybody who's been paying attention knows that CEOs and CFOs and COOs are the new ruling class. They're the patricians in this little empire of ours, and the rest of us are the plebes. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to settle for being a plebe. I'm going to start doing what the patricians do, and the first thing I'm going to do is get me some synergies.

So, anybody have any hot tips on where I can get them? I think I'd like to get three to start with, and see how that goes, and if it turns out they are working out, I'll get 5 or 10 more. What's the right number to have? Are synergies hard to care for? I assume you just give them plenty of fresh water and feed them twice a day, right?

Tell 'em, Barack

2008-08-05T15:54:00.001-05:00

John McCain's Energy Plan

2008-08-05T12:21:00.004-05:00

John McCain and his lying, juvenile cronies apparently think it's really funny that Barack Obama made the (entirely true) suggestion that you can save money on gas by doing regular maintenance on your car and keeping the tires properly inflated. It's a perfectly innocent (and, again, true) statement, but McCain and his bosom buddy Tim Pawlenty (who's so popular that he managed to win almost half the vote in Minnesota!) have taken to passing around tire gauges with "Obama's energy policy" printed on them. Oh, those Republicans are so clever! Even though, you know, Obama has a detailed and thoughtful energy policy that has nothing to do with tire pressure, and it's literally true that putting air in your tires will save you more money than McCain's drill-drill-drill policy will over the next 15 years.

Well, here's my rebuttal. And this one is actually based in fact.

John McCain's energy policy: Put this guy in charge:

He wants to let the oil companies drink all of our milkshakes, folks.

Watching sunsets, rolling down hills

2008-08-04T22:13:00.002-05:00

Today I did two things I have not done in a while. I watched a sunset and I rolled down a hill. (Both were done intentionally.) Can you guess which one was more pleasant?

People talk about watching the sunset, or the sunrise, but the fact is I never really do much more than accidentally glance out the window at the moment it's happening and remark, "oh, that's nice." I'm not trying to belittle the sunset. I actually mean it: It's quite nice. But it's not an event.

Today, though, it was an event. We drove a few miles to a mighty fine sunset-watchin' spot, on a hill overlooking the Hwy. 13 bridge over the Mississippi River. You can see both downtown St. Paul and Minneapolis from there. And you get a nice view of the horizon. For about a half hour, we sat on a blanket on the hill and watched the sun slowly descend down to the tree line, getting more red and hazy as it went, until it disappeared behind the trees in the distance. It was a peaceful thing, as watching sunsets often is.

Something happens when you watch a sunset (that is, when you do more than just glance at it out the kitchen window). You remove yourself from what's happening around you. You almost detach yourself from this modern world we've got going on here (and what a fine and dandy world it is) and get into some kind of rhythm with nature and the cosmos and all that. You're watching something that has been happening every day for millions of years. People have been watching it for as long as there have been people. Here's a good joke: What do I, Genghis Khan, Socrates, Ghandi, Marco Polo and Einstein have in common? We're all brilliant men, and we all have watched sunsets. That's right, we have only two things in common, and one of them is the sunset. Pretty amazing.

Oh, and then I rolled down the hill. Haven't done that since I was a kid, but the mood struck me. Turns out it's a little bit of a different experience when you weigh a couple of C-notes and your old bod is a bit creakier than it used to be. But I emerged unscathed, although slightly dizzy. And then we drove home, thinking about sunsets.

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, you know

2008-08-04T10:20:00.002-05:00

Heh. Your attitude gives you away. You think I just fell off the turnip truck yesterday. Don't you? Well, I can assure you, you have badly misjudged the situation.

How very foolish of you, to make such an implication. You are sorely misinformed. You honestly don't know what you're talking about. I most certainly did not just fall off the turnip truck yesterday.

It was actually four days ago. You should have been able to tell that it wasn't just yesterday, because the scabs on my knees are starting to shrink and heal over, and I've taken the big bandage off my head.

You are probably going to continue to press me on this issue, I can tell. You are going to demand to know why I was so clumsy that I couldn't keep my balance on a turnip truck, and you'll want to know what I was doing on the turnip truck anyway, and you'll question why we even still have turnip trucks these days. Believe me, there are satisfactory answers to all these questions. But I don't have to tell you. I don't answer to you. Why should I take you seriously when you can't even pinpoint the date of my turnip-truck mishap with any degree of accuracy?

Let's just say that I had a very good reason to be on that turnip truck, and it wasn't just because turnips are delicious and I really wanted to get some so I could make a nice, earthy turnip stew. It's much more complicated than that, and in fact it involves my connection to several shadowy international groups that have been conducting some important business that involves the turnip trade, for which they enlisted my assistance. But I'm not going to get into that.

Suffice it to say, your turnip-truck timeline is hopelessly flawed, and I suggest you think more carefully about what you say in the future to avoid such embarrassing mistakes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am on my way to deliver a copy of my birth certificate to another confused party, in order to illustrate the ridiculousness of the notion that I was born yesterday.

Sorry about that

2008-08-04T09:56:00.003-05:00

I don't usually resort to such shocking use of profanity, but it's hard to suffer the juvenile antics and complete lack of substance of a man who has a chance of taking the helm of our country. I have stepped back from the brink now and I'm feeling quite calm. The straight jacket helps. It's so nice and cozy in here. It does make it difficult to type, though, which is why I'm dictating this to the nice nurse.

Some days

2008-08-03T16:25:00.003-05:00

Some days are strange. Some days start off good, then are bad for a while, then they are good again, and then you get really discouraged about the state of humanity, and then you're OK now. This has been one of those days.

The farmer's market this morning was good. Have you ever walked through the farmer's market, and there are rows and rows of tables covered with boxes overflowing with fresh produce? Cartons of huge green beans, carrots, potatoes, banana peppers, broccoli and tomatoes, huge bunches of radishes and basil, and 50-pound sacks of sweet corn straight from the farm. Even if you don't like eating vegetables, it's worth going just to look at it. It's like a vegetable art museum. Also there is a guy who has a cart where he sells these big juicy cheddar brats and yummmmmm.

Then I went to Cheapo, the place to buy and sell used CDs.) I was there to sell some used CDs. I decided that since all my CDs are stored on my computer and iPod now, I don't need them anymore, so I was going to sell them. I naively thought I'd fetch a buck or two per disc, and I had a box of like 95 CDs. Well, turns out CDs aren't worth what they used to be. Long story short: One hour after the clerk told me it would take 15 minutes for him to figure out how much they were worth, I was told half the CDs were "too scratched" and that the other half would fetch me the whopping sum of $26. What a gyp. To make matters even worse, the clerk was the kind of guy who sighs all the time whenever he performs any task. As I wandered around the store looking at CDs and waiting, I'd pass by the counter and he'd be back there sighing heavily every 15 seconds. Dude, if it's so much trouble for you to pay me 10 cents per CD and then turn around and sell them for six bucks a pop, I can just go.

Then I get to work. And I can't get inside the building. My ID badge is apparently shot. On weekends, you can't even get in the door without scanning your ID card, because it's very important to save money any way possible, which means we can no longer bother to pay somebody to sit at the security desk on weekends. So I had to go home and work from home. Not that working from home is a bad thing, mind you, but standing out front of your place of employment trying vainly to get your ID badge to work for 5 minutes, that, my friend, is annoying.

The rest of the day, fortunately, was lovely, capped off by a delicious dinner and pleasant conversation with R's family. Ah, this day was going to end up all right after all.

Then I get home and look at my Internet and there it is: Fucking son of a fucking bitch John McCain has pulled even with Barack Obama in the polls, because apparently fucking stupid son of a bitch Americans are really so fucking son of a bitching stupid and gullible that they're buying into his fucking stupid son of a bitch negative false bullshit campaign tactics. Fuck John McCain, the lying, dirty bastard.

But now I'm feeling a little bit better.

Let's all vote for John McCain!

2008-08-02T15:55:00.003-05:00

"I'm voting for John McCain because even though I'm struggling to get by financially, I want rich people to get lots of tax breaks while I settle for a bullshit gas-tax holiday that might save me $20 a year and mostly just helps oil companies pad their all-time-record profits." — Joe H., Newark, N.J.

"I'm voting for Senator McCain because even though he was wrong about going to war in Iraq, and wrong about how we'd be welcomed as liberators, and wrong about how well the Sunnis and Shiites would get along after Saddam's regime fell, and wrong about Iran's links to al-Qaida, and wrong about how safe it is to walk around in an open-air market without a huge security detail, and wrong about whether Iraq and Afghanistan share a border, at least he was kind of half-right about the surge." — Tom A., Bakersfield, California

"I support John McCain because I enjoy being underpaid, underinsured and treated like crap at my job at Wal-Mart, and I sure wouldn't want to have access to any union protection. Clearly, if Wal-Mart hates the idea of unions so much, they must be bad." — Paul T., Ann Arbor, Michigan

"I'm voting for McCain because I'm still enamored with the energy policies of the past, the kind that rely on nonrenewable fossil fuels, drive the unsustainable expansion of suburban sprawl, discourage the development of viable mass-transit systems, and speed the global warming that will eventually make my state an uninhabitable wasteland. Let's drill, drill, drill!" — Pam F., Tempe, Arizona

"I'll vote for John McCain this November because I really thought his ads comparing Obama to Britney Spears and Moses were funny, and I admire his outright lies about everything from his voting record to Obama's recent overseas trip. That's the kind of integrity and maturity we need in a leader." — Jack W., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

"I'm voting for McCain because even though he's supported the vast majority of George Bush's agenda and in the last 12 months has changed positions on just about every matter of substance in a shameless attempt to kiss up to the conservative elements of his party, I'm still buying into the outdated and completely false media characterization of McCain as a 'maverick' willing to work across party lines and do what's right whether it's popular or not." — Tanya H., Los Angeles, California

"I'm a McCain supporter because I don't really care if America starts wars willy-nilly, fails to provide its citizens with adequate health care or education, tortures people it doesn't like, strips its citizens of civil liberties, and allows most of the power to accumulate with the 1 percent of people who are rich and powerful enough to buy influence. All I care about is finding ways to impose my religious beliefs about gay people on everybody else." — Rita L., Atlanta, Georgia

"I'm voting for McCain because that Obama character is too arrogant. There's nothing arrogant about McCain, Bush, Rove and the other Republicans who misled America about the need for a war that has killed thousands of its citizens, ignored or walked all over the Constitution at every opportunity, gutted federal agencies and turned them into havens for underqualified toadies, refused to work with the rest of the world to curb climate change, and mocked the Iraq insurgency with brazen challenges to 'bring it on.' " — Tony A., Seattle, Washington

"I'm voting for John McCain because I'm a goddamn idiot." — Steve M., Des Moines, Iowa

Just because this needs to be on everyone's blog

2008-08-02T10:55:00.001-05:00

I give you the Jesus-shaped Cheeto, found by a Missouri woman.

She calls it Cheesus.

X-Files movie

2008-08-01T22:30:00.004-05:00

So, I went and saw the X-Files movie with R. I didn't have very high expectations, because frankly, that show went downhill in a hurry toward the end, and it seemed as if they didn't have much of anything left in the tank. And now, what is it, 6 or 7 years since they put the show out of its misery? Was anybody really clamoring for a new X-Files movie, other than Cris Carter, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, all of whom probably need the paycheck after 6 or 7 years of doing nothing to distinguish themselves?

Like I said, low expectations. Well, I'm pleased to report that it was not as terrible as I feared it might be. It was a little underwhelming — mostly it was like a double-length episode of the show, and one of the shows that didn't delve into the aliens/smoking man/government conspiracy/fertility experiments storyline. Just a story about Russians kidnapping young women and grafting new heads onto their bodies, and the disgraced former Catholic priest/psychic who's trying to help the FBI solve the case. (Spoiler alert! Oh, wait, am I supposed to say that before I give away the whole plot? Dang, I can never keep that straight.)

It would be a stretch for me to say it was a good movie, but it wasn't too bad, either. The dialogue was pretty clunky, a lot of the humor fell flat, and the plot was honestly pretty ordinary by X-Files standards. But despite all that, I found myself not hating it.

So far, I've seen a handful of the summer's big movies. Here is how I'd rank them:

1. Dark Knight
2. Iron Man
3. Sex and the City
4. X-Files
5. Indiana Jones

Dark Knight was pretty awesome, though it didn't totally blow me away as I hoped it would. Iron Man was a nice surprise, better than most disposable superhero movies. (And the Dude was in it.) Sex and the City: I was never a huge fan of the show, but I found the movie somewhat entertaining, and since I'm far from its target audience, that must have meant they did something right. As for Indiana Jones, let us never speak of it again.

This is more movies than I usually see. A look at the list of summer movies so far reveals why I don't go to movies that often: The Love Guru, Speed Racer, The Hulk, The Happening, Don't Mess With the Zohan, Kung Fu Fucking Panda, Get Smart, Space Chimps, Hancock. What a bunch of crapola. Though I do want to see that Wall-E movie.

End of random movie post.

Rear-view sunglasses

2008-08-01T16:10:00.001-05:00

Today I saw a woman walking down the street wearing sunglasses that had a very conspicuous rear-view mirror attached to them. Seriously. It looked like this picture.

I don't think I've seen anything more ridiculous. I think the only thing dumber would be sewing big turn signals onto the ass of your pants.

I guess bicyclists wear these kind of things sometimes, on their glasses or their helmets, but I've never seen somebody just walking around wearing one. Why would you do that? Concerned about people sneaking up behind you and beating you up? Well, for my money, you have a much better chance of being beaten up when you go around looking like such a total buffoon.

This is the kind of thing a child would find funny or interesting for about 20 minutes, not something I'd expect an actual adult to wear.

Am I being too hard on the rear-view-mirror woman? Perhaps. Maybe this whole situation is a microcosm of a larger problem: My willingness to condemn other people for their actions or choice of headgear when it'd be more effective and useful to turn the spotlight on myself. Is it really fruitful to be so critical? Or maybe I'm projecting my own fear of being seen as a fool onto other people. Is this really all just about my own insecurities? Overall, would I be a happier and more helpful person if I ceased pointing out the foolishness of others? Is it blowing things out of proportion to fixate on a silly pair of sunglasses?

Those are all important points and questions to consider. But really, the rear-view mirror was just so ridiculous.

A shout out to whoever invented baked goods

2008-07-30T08:24:00.003-05:00

This is just a brief shout-out to whoever invented baked goods. I'm sure it was somebody somewhere. There must have been someone who was the first person to mix a bunch of ingredients together and heat it all up until it turned into a baked good. I just want to express my appreciation to that anonymous person thousands of years ago.

Because, in case you haven't noticed, baked goods are awesome. Muffins, bagels and donuts fill our mornings with deliciousness. Bread holds together our sandwiches at lunch time. Scones and crumpets make tea time a delight in the afternoon (that is, if we are English nobility). Dinner rolls and breadsticks serve as a buttery complement to many of our dinners. And cookies, cakes and pies stuff us full of sweet scrumptiousness for desssert. The invention of baked goods was truly a revolutionary moment in human history. Just think of what kind of crap we'd probably be eating if they didn't exist. I shudder to even consider it.

So, here's to baked goods, and to that brilliant innovator whose identity has been lost forever in the quicksand of history!

Breaking news: Brett Favre takes a dump

2008-07-28T21:21:00.003-05:00

On StarTribune.com, Minnesota's dominant news source, there is a list on the right sidebar of the top 10 most-popular stories of the moment. Right now, five of the top 10 stories are about the Minnesota Vikings. This is nothing unusual. It's like that for a good portion of the year. Not sure if you've noticed: Football is popular.

Three of those stories are about Brett Favre, the (former) former Green Bay Packers quarterback who almost retired like seven times, then actually retired, then decided 20 minutes later that he didn't really want to retire, and maybe, possibly, in some near-impossible scenario dreamed up by rabid fans and AM talk-show hosts, could play for the Vikings this year. Favre's chances of wearing purple are apparently 10 times more interesting to readers than, say, our governor's chances of being John McCain's running mate, even though the latter is 10 times more likely to actually happen.

Since stories about the latest Brett Favre news clearly draw big website traffic, I think I'll try to boost my numbers by reporting a new development in the saga: A Place Called B.L.O.G. has learned that Brett Favre took a dump today.

It happened about 4:15 p.m. in the bathroom of a BP gas station. Witnesses said a visibly uncomfortable Favre hastily entered the station to ask for the key after pulling up in his 2007 Ford Expedition. When told that somebody already had the key to the men's bathroom, Favre winced and stepped off to the side to wait. Three minutes later, Favre, still appearing strained and ill at ease, let out a sigh of relief when a 12-year-old boy returned with the bathroom key, which was attached by a short length of chain to an 8-inch section of a 2-by-4. The word "Mens" (sic) was written on the wood in black permanent marker. Citing his need to get back to the car, where his dad was waiting for him, the boy declined to comment on his interaction with the future Hall of Famer.

Favre entered the bathroom at approximately 4:20 p.m. Once he was out of sight, patrons and employees of the gas station began to confer about what was happening in there. The consensus was that he was doing #2, based on Favre's demeanor while he waited for the key. He winced a few times and appeared "all bunched up," according to witnesses, but did not exhibit telltale signs of having to pee, such as pacing back and forth, shifting weight from one foot to the other, and humming to himself softly. A vocal minority in the crowd disputed this conclusion and speculated that Favre was probably in there calling Vikings coach Brad Childress, using a top-secret, untraceable cell phone that he'd gotten from a friend in the CIA.

Four minutes later, Favre emerged from the bathroom, grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler, returned the key to its hook at the counter, paid with a $5 bill, and left. Witnesses then discussed where they thought Favre was probably going. Some thought he was probably going home, some thought he was going to meet with Brad Childress in a top-secret subterranean hideout, and one thought he was going to meet Vikings quarterback Tavaris Jackson for a fistfight that would determine who got to be the starting QB.

I'll be sure to post any other Brett Favre news as it occurs.

Things I'd yell if I were a heckler at a fashion show

2008-07-28T21:17:00.002-05:00

I already have one of those.
You call that strutting?
Nobody actually wears that crap.
Somebody give that girl a sandwich!

Three underrated foods

2008-07-26T12:57:00.004-05:00

Green olives. Did you know that green olives are delicious? It's true. They are good on everything. They are good on pizza. They are good in pasta. They are good in Mexican food. They are good in salads. They are good in relish trays. They are good straight out of the jar when you're standing at the fridge at 11:30 p.m. and you just want a little something. As far as I'm concerned, whenever you go to a restaurant, there should be salt, pepper, and a little bowl of green olives on the table. (And maybe ketchup.) The green olive is the king of all olives, and the olive is the king of all marble-sized balls of deliciousness.

Hummus. OK, in large parts of the world, hummus is not underrated. But here in America, it seems to be relegated to the category of "fancy-pants spread purchased by Prada-carrying Lunds shoppers." Not true. Hummus is a food of the people, by the people and for the people. Hummus outranks even peanut butter as the best spready substance to slather onto a bread product. It's yummy and full of protein. It can be tinted with many flavors, like garlic and roasted peppers. And even your annoying vegan friends can eat it. Hummus deserves more props, and more space in the grocery stores and convenience stores of America.

Pizza Luce's mashed-potato pizza. Why this has not become a Twin Cities dining obsession is beyond me. In a world that wasn't crazy, every pizza chain in town would be ripping off Luce's mashed-potato pizza. We'd have little mashed-potato pizza stands on corners. There'd be a mashed-potato pizza booth at the State Fair. You'd be able to get it in airports and malls. It'd be a sensation. But none of that has happened, because for some reason, people haven't grasped the brilliance of a pizza crust covered in garlic mashed potatoes, crumbled Feta cheese, diced tomatoes and sliced green onions. What is wrong with people?

Your call will be answered in the order it was received

2008-07-25T14:29:00.003-05:00

Think about that sentence for a minute. Does it make any sense? I'll help you out: The answer is no, it doesn't.

My call, when considered individually, was not received in an order. It is a singular entity. It is one thing. You can't put one thing in order. So my call cannot possibly be answered "in the order it was received."

If you refer to the calls collectively, it's something else. Then you have multiple things, which, of course, can be sorted into an order. All the calls can be answered, one by one, in the order in which they were received

They could just say "calls are answered in the order they were received." That would be correct. But instead they say the dumb thing.

If I ever get on hold and hear a message that actually gets it right, I will pledge my everlasting allegiance to whatever company I'm on hold with. (Or, for the grammar purists, whatever company with which I'm on hold.)

Advertisers to America: Attractive women enjoy our products

2008-07-22T21:34:00.003-05:00

The advertisers of America would like you to know that thin, beautiful women enjoy using their clients' products and services.

Whether it is soda pop, car insurance, sleek new automobiles, or (in an ironic twist) fast food, desirable products and services bring an enormous amount of pleasure to luscious redheads, cute blondes and leggy brunettes all across the land.

The advertisers would like you to know that if you are a man, you should look at the TV right now, because there is a model with long, flowing locks who is showing off a little bit of cleavage and enjoying some Pringles, and you will want to get a look at that. If you are a woman, the advertisers would like you to get a good look at her and feel ashamed that you aren't as beautiful. And then go buy some Pringles to make yourself feel better.

In recent polls, researchers have found that 84 percent of hot chicks love to use, or talk about using, products and services — especially in conspicuous ways, so that everybody can see how much they are enjoying themselves. In a separate poll, 78 percent of respondents said foxy ladies constitute the group of people whose opinion they care about most. (Gay men came in a distant second, at 9 percent.) Therefore, this is a perfect match: America wants to know what sexy women think, and sexy women are eager to share their views on the latest consumer products — possibly by posing with them in photographs that will be plastered all over billboards or printed as full-page advertisements in magazines.

So, pay attention, America! These fetching females have a message for you, and it's all about how you should travel on Carnival Cruise Lines, shop at Target, purchase Capri Sun beverages for your families, and drink plenty of Coors Light. After all, if you won't believe hot women, who will you believe?

At the coffee shop

2008-07-22T10:12:00.003-05:00

I am in this coffee shop. Amore Cafe, on Grand Avenue. There is a woman sitting across from me talking on her cell phone in Spanish. She is speaking fast, as people often do. I of course know no Spanish and had no idea what she was saying. (I think I picked up the word "nino" in there somewhere, but I can't be sure.) Well, right in the middle of her going on and on in Spanish, she says, clear as day, "but anyway," and then goes right back into more Spanish. I love that "but anyway" has become an international phrase.

Now there is a man who is looking at the shelf of books for customers to read. He is chiding the employee because they don't have more books available. The employee is explaining to him that all they have are romance novels and 12-step books. That seems appropriate to me somehow.

They are playing "Everything All The Time" by Band of Horses, one of my favorite albums, but it keeps skipping. The employees either don't notice or don't care.

I thought it would be air conditioned in here. But it's not.

I like it here.

Politics-free blogging

2008-07-21T14:40:00.002-05:00

When this blog started, it wasn't about politics at all. If you don't believe me, go back to the June 2006 archives and see. Not a political rant to be seen. Partly it's because there was no election campaign then. Partly it's because I wasn't as interested or informed then. And partly it's because as time has passed, I've become more and more appalled by what I see happening around me, and I have been having a very hard time keeping that from bleeding into what used to be a nice blog about learning to like bananas, stupid billboards I saw, and how well my new pants fit.

Yeah, you're not the only one who's noticed. This blog used to have a lot less outrage and a lot more minutiae. Maybe it's the natural way of things that what I write will reflect what I'm thinking about most, and in general I've spent less time dissecting the little things and more time paying attention to the big things.

At the same time, it's kind of a downer. People who rant about the same things over and over get old pretty fast. Some days I feel myself headed down that path and I get a little bit scared. I want to be conscious of what's going on, and I want to be willing to stand up for what I think is right, but I also don't want to lose perspective or my sense of humor.

So, I think I'll try an experiment. I am going to go an entire week without blogging about politics in any way, shape or form. That's right. For the next seven days, this will be a politics-free zone.

This is hard, of course. I could be blogging about the fact that John McCain thinks Iraq and Pakistan share a border, even though they're 1,500 miles apart and separated by Iran. I could point out what an incredible douchebag Charles Krauthammer is. I could wonder why the media is so fascinated with whether Obama's idea of a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq is wise — ignoring the fact that Obama himself has said he'd consider conditions on the ground before making a decision, and completely glossing over the issue of whose foreign-policy vision is correct in the long run: The guy who wants to actually go after the real terrorists and mend our relations with the rest of the world, or the guy who wants us to swallow the same old neocon bomb-first, ask-questions-later BS. I could go on and on about how great it would be to elect leaders who'd stand up to the desires of Capitalism Gone Wild, the corporate hacks who gave you the housing crisis, the credit crunch and global warming, just to name three.

I could blog about all of that. But I'm not going to. (OK, except in that last paragraph.) Will that mean that I don't post at all this week? I hope not. I hope it means I get back to being a little more lighthearted and utterly frivolous, because that's the side of me that my loyal readers have grown to know and love.

To get the week kicked off right, let me just say I really like salami. Have you had any salami lately? I highly recommend it.

Potential treatment options for my raging allergies

2008-07-18T09:35:00.003-05:00

Take lots of prescription drugs.

Pro: Will probably work.
Con: I am hesitant to cross into three-pill-per-day territory, as it would only make me feel like a senior citizen. This would be a brutal reminder of my own mortality.

Take lots of street drugs.

Pro: I will cease to care about sneezing and runny noses.
Con: Death spiral of addiction and antisocial behavior.

Place corks in nostrils.

Pro: Will look really cool.
Con: Suffocation.

Plead with my immune system to please, please, get its shit together.

Pro: I believe in the power of diplomacy to resolve conflicts.
Con: Immune systems have no consciousness. Or ears.

Pray for a cure.

Pro: It's easy.
Con: Logic suggests that if god cared about me, he wouldn't have given me allergies in the first place, so what's the point? Also, god is a fictional character.

Herbal remedies.

Pro: Sounds nice. No harmful chemicals.
Con: Effectiveness was spotty in 2006 trial run.

Eat a lot of nachos.

Pro: Delicious.
Con: Studies show no link between nacho consumption and allergy relief.

Band names that give you a pretty good chance of being invited to play at the Republican national convention

2008-07-15T14:36:00.003-05:00

The Ayn Rand Baynd
System of a Trickle-Down
The Indestructible Zygotes
Big Theo and His Theocrats
The Genesis Literalists
The Nashville Accordion Symphony and Concertina Appreciation Regiment (N.A.S.C.A.R.)
Simply Red State
Guns 'N' Bibles
The Unflinchingly Heterosexual Glam Band
Redneck Joe and the Hate Crime Trio
Bush